Hubby has a new job and already is having to miss work. He hurt his arm a little over a week ago and has seen someone about it three times now. The last time was earlier tonight. The doctor who saw him tonight said he is not to work for the next five days and is to see a specialist or a surgeon as soon as possible (like Monday) to be further evaluated. He will need a cortisone shot, surgery or both on his arm to make his arm, wrist and hand functional again. Just what we needed. Sigh.
My baby brother, Bub, who is not really a baby, but an 18 year old young man, found out on his 18th birthday (last Monday) that he has a brain tumor. I don't even know what to think yet. I'm angry and sad and hurt, but more than anything, I am scared. This kid does not need that. He already has a tough enough life as it is.
But at the same time, the kids are doing well. They went on a bike ride with my MIL today. Even little Boo rode his tricycle to the park from MIL's house. She rode next to him REALLY slowly and the older three rode on ahead and then would wait, then ride ahead and wait, so on and so forth the whole way to the park and the whole way back. Round trip, it is a two-mile ride. But it was Boo's first "real" ride and it was on a tricycle. I cannot even imagine. LOL! Nor do I want to. But I have to admit, I am truly grateful for my MIL. As often as we don't get along and everything, I am truly blessed to have her in my life.
Showing posts with label Marriage can be tough but together we can do it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage can be tough but together we can do it. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day
Today's small thing was to let someone know that you were thinking of them today. I did this before I even read Rachel Anne's assignment for today. This morning, when I got onto Facebook, I dropped by the walls of a number of friends and wished them a Happy Valentine's Day, sent them my love and let them know that I was thinking of them.
The one friend who stands out most right now in my mind and my heart is my friend, Erin. Her hubby recently deployed and she's home with their three kiddos, adapting to yet another period of time with him gone for the military. She is one of the most incredible women that I know and she knows that I think that too. I wish I was there today to bring her flowers and chocolate and coffee and to give her a chance to relax and rejuvenate, but we live many many miles apart and it's just not possible. But she was the first one on my mind when I got onto Facebook this morning. I visited her page, another friend's page (who doesn't like Valentine's Day - and then to boot - her grandpa died today too), and many more.
This afternoon, Hubby and I sat down and talked with the kids about some changes that we have decided to make around the house involving screen time and chores. We have decided to limit the kids' screen time to one hour per day. I am so tired of screen time being such a huge focus and the kids not knowing what to do with themselves without a screen in front of them to entertain them. We also decided that allowance will be freely given, chores will be done before screen time is allowed and it will be done with a cheerful attitude or screen time will not be allowed at all.
Natty complained and whined and cried about the changes, while JoNo buckled down and got right to work. JoNo went so far above and beyond that there will be little for the kids to do tomorrow. Well, there will still be plenty to do, but in comparison to what there was to do today, there will be very little.
Natty was incredibly upset and at one point, we sent him up to his room, where he laid on his bed, whining and complaining about the changes. I laid down on JoNo's bed across the room from Natty and we talked. He poured out the troubles that were in his heart and I just listened. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. I want to jump in, give him advice, tell him how to fix it, analyze it, whatever... But all he needs is someone to listen. Which, thankfully today, I did. And it seemed to do wonders for him as well. As I was leaving his room, I told him that he was welcome to come back down whenever he felt ready to.
Then, Natty and I made supper together tonight. We did a breakfast for supper, which is a family favorite. I let him do all the measuring and mixing for homemade pancakes. I didn't even supervise directly. I just told him what he needed and let him measure and pour, stir and mix and all of that. It also gave him a chance to show off some of his math skills, since we were doubling the recipe. Amounts like 2 1/2 cups of flour, he was quick to know was 5 cups with our modified recipe. And 3 teaspoons, he immediately knew was actually 1 1/2 from the original recipe. We changed it up and some of the time I would tell him the amount from the original recipe and some of the time I would give him the amount from the modified recipe. I figured a bit of a confidence boost would be good for his spirits and it was. He is very proficient in his math skills and I knew that having the opportunity to show those skills off and to cook at the same time would be a major mood lifter for him.
He also wanted to make a special pancake for Boo - so Boo got a Mickey Mouse pancake. Then he wanted to make a special one for Punky - so we made her a flower - complete with petals and a stem. I made a car-shaped pancake for JoNo, which he loved. It looked like a VW Bug. It was cute.
And to show my Hubby my love today, when I was helping the kids get their Valentines cards finished up before school, I also stashed away a bunch of mini bars of Hershey's milk chocolate. We had gotten a mixed bag of mini bars - Hershey's milk chocolate, Hershey's special dark chocolate, Mr Goodbar and Krackle. Hubby prefers milk chocolate to any other chocolate and I wanted him to know that I was thinking of him too, so I grabbed a bunch of the regular milk chocolate bars and "hid" them in a decorative cup next to the container where I put all of the leftover Valentine's candy. I let Hubby know about his "secret stash" of milk chocolate and he seemed quite pleased that I had thought of him in this way today.
But it is late now and I am tired, so I am going to end this now and tally up my point totals.
Points for today: 50 points!
Points for February: 380 points!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Two Weeks
Wow, it has been two weeks since I last posted and that doesn't feel good to me. So much has happened, so here we go with yet ANOTHER catch-up post.
Okay, this is sad, but honestly, I can't remember exactly what was happening prior to the weekend before last (so roughly the 15/16 or so. I had that weekend off from work and we had been working on projects around the house. JoNo was starting to have symptoms of a cold, which wasn't good. He has mild intermittent asthma which generally does not bother him AT ALL but when he gets a cold, it flares up in a severe case which often leaves us in an urgent/emergency situation. Not fun at all!
I don't recall for sure but I believe we sent him to school on Monday. He is in a special reading class that requires great attendance and after his fall sickness, I think he had only three days available to miss before he would be dropped from the program. (They can have a total of 8 missed days and then the next time, they get dropped) His teacher is aware of this, but she isn't the one who sets the guidelines for the program - some university in another state sets them. But she has tried to work with us, by having him often be the first child she meets with that day so that if he does get sent home, he won't get dropped from the program. We also had some other arrangements made with her, but her supervising teacher said no, that it would not work out, so she just has him scheduled as the first kid as much as she can.
Anyhow, JoNo was doing okay when I left for work on Monday night. Hubby was also not feeling well, but sometimes, as a parent, you just have to push through and try to make it work. I wanted to stay home, but I knew that really was not a possibility as I had just gotten a poor review from my boss at work the previous Friday (okay, so I guess I do remember parts of that previous week as well - oh well, I will just fill in with other things as needed). So, anyhow, I got to work and I was going to be working on the floor and going into our secured Alzheimer's unit for last rounds until the end of the shift (so roughly 4a-6a). But then one of my co-workers and one of the residents on our Alzheimer's unit started having issues with each other. It has been happening frequently and I often end up going back there and the co-worker coming out to the floor because I have the easiest time settling this resident down. Anyhow, I was back there and the decision was made to just have me stay back there the whole night. No biggie.
Around 2:30 or so, Hubby texts me to tell me that JoNo is doing very poorly and needs to go into the emergency room. I tell him to call and talk to my charge nurse because I think the chances of me being able to go home are greater if he calls and talks to her. (Which is the case I am sure.) So he calls and talks to my charge nurse and she eventually comes back and talks to me. Apparently, our boss had said that I could not go home to help with it and that Hubby needed to figure it out on his own. I was not pleased with this AT ALL. I let Hubby know what the boss said and he started getting all of the kids up and ready to go so that he could get JoNo to the hospital. Meanwhile, my charge nurse decides that the boss is being unreasonable and has me call around to see if I can find someone to come in early to cover the rest of my shift. (Nothing I like better than calling people around 3am to see if they want to come in to work early!) Ugh!
Eventually, even though I didn't find anyone who was able to come in, the nurse told me to go ahead and go on home. It's an hour and fifteen minute drive. I made it in just under an hour (maybe 50 minutes?) I didn't intend to go faster, but I was worried about my sweet JoNo.
So, I get to the hospital where he is being seen and after a bit we find out that he has bronchitis and a double ear infection. They put him on an antibiotic for both and send us home. Later that day, I call his pediatrician to see what he wants to do and when we should bring JoNo in to see him. He says that he wants to see JoNo the next day (Wednesday). I ask him about work for me (for various reasons which I didn't have to explain to our pedi because he knows us well enough) and he tells me that I need to stay home from work for that night because of JoNo being sick and that Hubby needed me to be home as well, since he'd be up all day with the well kids and then have to try and be up all night with JoNo for his round-the-clock breathing treatments and the fact that breathing issues tend to flare up more severely at night, etc. etc. Plus, Hubby was starting to feel ill as well and he was likely to get really run-down and get very ill as well if he didn't have a chance to take it easier. He offered a note to substantiate it as well, if needed. I took him up on the offer.
So I called work and let them know. They said that I needed to try to find my own replacement. So I called everyone on the list. No one could work for me. We have three aides at night, but fairly often we are scheduled short with only two aides, so the fact that I wouldn't be able to be there wasn't a huge issue (in my opinion).
The older boys had a school function that evening. It was a free all-school skate for the students and their families. We generally cannot afford activities like that and the next day was Natty's 10th birthday and he really wanted to go to the skating party but wasn't hopeful about it at all because he knew that JoNo's health often preempts all else when he is sick. But JoNo was resting peacefully, Hubby was doing okay at that point and Boo was just watching cartoons so I decided to take Natty and Punky to the skating party.
They had a blast! Natty is not a skilled skater by any means and neither is Punky, but they both did okay and most importantly, had a lot of fun! Plus, it was totally free, which I liked a lot. At one point, my boss calls me and he hears the background din and gets mad that I wasn't home with JoNo. Well, the whole skating party was a grand total of two hours, we didn't get there right when it started, as I didn't want to be away from JoNo and Hubby for three hours (the amount of time we would have been away had we been there for the whole thing) but I also didn't feel that Natty and Punky should have to miss out on the party either, so I took them.
My boss was asking me about why I had to leave work the previous night/morning and why Hubby couldn't handle it himself, etc. etc. and why I had to miss work that night as well, and I did my best to explain that Hubby was sick as well the night before and we have three other kids that also need to be cared for and that JoNo's lung disease makes any sickness a real health issue. He tells me to call everyone on the list a second time. We leave the rink about 30 minutes later (had to round up my kiddos) and as soon as I get home, I call everyone a second time, which seems pointless to me. Not to mention the fact that according to policy at work, we only need to call and find our own replacement for weekend shifts UNLESS we have a doctor's note. I had a doctor's note AND it wasn't a weekend, which meant that, according to policy, I wasn't required to call anyone to find a replacement, much less, call everyone TWICE. But, whatever, I tried anyhow, and texted him to let him know that I still was not able to find anyone to cover.
So, Tuesday night, Mike ends up going into the emergency room because he is having breathing issues and chest pressure, etc. They tested him and as it turns out, he has influenza. So, I had been up all night Monday night/ Tuesday morning, all day on Tuesday, most of Tuesday night, so when I was finally able to get some sleep on Wednesday morning (after kids left for school and just before JoNo's doctor's appointment) I crashed. Hubby, even though he was sick, took JoNo to the appointment and ended up writing another note for my work stating that due to Hubby's illness I needed to be home to care for JoNo. My inlaws didn't want the kids or Hubby over at their house because my father-in-law was about to go on a business trip and didn't want to get sick from the kids or Hubby. My mom, well, she isn't real attentive to the kiddos, so we try not to have her watch the kids much. So we really didn't have any outside resources. Plus, considering the fact that I am gone for work 11 hours per day in good weather and would need another 8 hours or so to sleep, I would end up needing 19 hours of childcare if I were able to find someone to watch the kids. 19 hours, most of it during the night. Not likely to happen.
So, I get the note from Hubby and I take it to the inlaw's house to fax it in to work. The note says that I am not to return to work until JoNo's illness had improved. Which I thought was pretty plain to mean that I would let them know when he was better and when I would be able to return to work.
Wednesday night was my scheduled night off. I was up with kids and taking care of JoNo and Hubby and trying to catch up on housework that Hubby had fallen behind on. Thursday, kids went to school, JoNo and I slept much of the day as we were able to and then Thursday night, I was home with the family. Friday afternoon, I get an inbox message on Facebook from my boss telling me that I was a no call/no show for the previous night. We discuss this off and on throughout the afternoon via Facebook's email system. I disagree that it was a no call/no show, but it's not really up to me to say what it was, so I leave it alone. I let him know that due to JoNo's illness, I will not likely be back to work until Monday night (which actually is my next scheduled night off - so really Tuesday night).
On Monday, JoNo is back to school. On Tuesday, everyone else's sickness catches up to me, so I miss work for my own illness. On Monday night, Hubby goes back into the emergency room for tooth pain caused by a broken tooth and what likely is an infection caused by it. They give him an antibiotic. Tuesday evening, the nurse line tells him to go back in because he has severe swelling and pain that isn't being helped by the current medications. So he goes back in. They change his antibiotic and his pain medicine. He goes home. Then he gets even worse. His face is so swollen on one side that he can't even see out of his eye. The nurse line says that he needs to go back in again. So back in he went. They ended up admitting him.
On Wednesday, he has emergency oral surgery. They remove 3 teeth and insert a drain. The tooth that was causing him pain was broken and had started an infection in his face. Then it became necrotic and the infection worsened and in the end, he had the three teeth removed, the drain inserted through his gumline,up into the cheek area, approaching his cheekbone, to drain any excess fluid/pus/infection. The gross part for me is that it drains into his mouth. Yuck! That has to be nasty for him. Thankfully, they have also kept him pretty well drugged up.
I got 3 (maybe) hours of sleep on Wednesday morning, from around 9am to 12p when Hubby called to let me know that they were going to be taking him in for the surgery. He asked that I come back to the hospital. Oh, and MIL had decided that she was going to take the kids overnight on Tuesday night since they were all well b/c of how much pain Hubby was in. Forgot to mention that part.
So I come back in on Wednesday afternoon, and it all happens so fast that I actually meet him on his way down to surgery. Thank goodness that I didn't catch an extra red light or anything! And then I spend the next three hours in the waiting room. Two of those hours with MIL, who also came to be here with Hubby. I wait to talk to the surgeon and then realize after he was gone that I had neglected to find out the post-op plans. So I didn't know if Hubby was going to go home afterwards, if he was going to stay in the hospital for a bit, or whatever.
So, then I wait for him to come out of recovery. I decide to call up to the nurse's station for his room and they tell me that he isn't up there yet and that I can wait in his room for him to come back. So up to the room MIL and I go. It wasn't long before Hubby was brought back up from recovery. He was still mostly sedated but I stayed for about another hour or so then headed on home to make dinner and try to get some sleep before work.
By the time I got home though, I knew that work would not be a good idea. I was so tired and so sleep-deprived that I felt it would be really risky to try to commute. I called work and let the charge nurse know, then I made a few phone calls to see if I could find anyone to cover and I couldn't so I called her back to let her know who I had tried to call so that she could pick up where I left off. I made spaghetti for supper and then Hubby texted me to let me know that his mom had just left. And then I slept for the next three hours until Hubby texted me again, asking me to bring up his pillows and blanket.
My mom had been staying at our house since Tuesday night and she came up to the hospital with me as well, so we stayed for a little bit but he was mostly sleeping and groggy so we left to go back home and try to get some more work done around the house. Not too long after arriving home, Hubby texts me again and asks me to bring up his toiletries. I gather them up and try to get a few things done, but I can tell from the tone of his messages that he is really anxious about being in the hospital, so I head back in, leaving my mom to finish up the kids' bedroom level of the house. I am not making much headway on the chores I had been trying to accomplish, but one can only do so much while also trying to manage everything else.
I am grateful that my mom is over to help out with the cleaning and getting the house back into shape. I am also grateful that the kids are better and that my mother-in-law is willing to keep them (probably until this weekend from the sound of it), I am grateful that Hubby has the care he needs and everything right now. But I feel like I am being stretched so thin at the same time.
There are a few things that I didn't mention yet in here. Last Friday (in addition to everything else) I had a meeting at Boo's school. They have four regular meetings per year in addition to this IEP/IFSP meetings. But we decided to cut his schooling back to three days a week from the five that he had been going, because it is throwing his sleep schedule off so much. He has days where he is rested and alert and ready to learn and cooperate and then he has days where he's tired and cranky and has a "ain't no one gonna get me to do nothin'" kind of attitude. And I knew it was likely to happen, because he is a child who still very much needs his naps. Often times, he falls asleep on the bus ride home and then he sleeps until about 5pm and then goes to bed last among the kids. Yes, my 3 year old has a later bedtime than my 10 year old. It's just the way life works at our house. But then there are other days where he doesn't fall asleep on the bus and he gets off and comes inside and will lay down and look at books quietly for awhile and then he will get up and be active again. These are the nights that he crashes around 7:30 but he doesn't sleep through the night. He will sleep until about 10 or 11 and then he's awake and wired for the next three or four hours. Then he will go back to sleep.
So we hope that by changing his schooling to three days a week, it will allow him to be alert and ready to participate in school on the days that he is there, since he will (hopefully) be getting adequate naps on his days off from school. We will be meeting again in another month to see how it is working and if we can bump him back up to five days. They also are going to recommend that he be in morning classes next year.
But apart from the scheduling dilemma and changes, they had lots of good praise about his accomplishments at school and how well he is doing. They reported to me that he is a very pleasant, friendly child who is eager to learn and to please people (when he is rested) and that he is very social and doing well in that aspect as well. He knows all of his letters by sight as well as numbers up to 20 and can rote count up to 20 (at home, it's 29 but still...) It was a very good meeting and I was pleased with his progress.
Let's see...what else... Oh, on Monday, I had a job interview at another facility. It is also out of town but it's closer and they are in the process of building a location in the city where we live, and just a few miles away too. It is scheduled to open in November and if I were to be hired on to this facility out of town, I would be able to transfer to the facility here in town once it opens. I have my fingers crossed for his job because it would solve a lot of issues. Plus, it's on a stretch of highway that doesn't get hit nearly as hard with our winter weather and overall, I think it just would be a better situation.
Hubby also wanted me to call another facility that I have worked in as a home health aide that is literally five minutes from home with both stoplights between here and there being red. That would have some serious time advantages to it and that particular facility is an Alzheimer's one so it is right up my alley too. Plus I know the staff there and have known many of them for years. My first assignment as a home health aide there was back in 2008. So the staff and I - we have history together. A good one too. Unfortunately, the only thing that they have available there right now is part-time evenings. Part-time would not work and evenings are my last choice for a shift. Preference would be days and then nights and then evenings. I will keep tabs on what is available over there though.
We also have a house inspection coming up next Monday. We had applied for government housing assistance and our name came to the top of the list last June. In September, we got our voucher. In December, we got an extension on our voucher, and now we are finally getting the house inspected to make sure it passes their guidelines. (It should.) But I have been trying to get it ultra-cleaned in the meantime because it also makes me nervous. I feel like they are going to be coming in and judging me personally, even though I am not the one home to maintain the house on a regular basis. In actuality, they are coming in to make sure that the house is safe and meets their safety criteria and so on and so forth. But this program will reduce our monthly rent expense by nearly half, which will go a long way towards us being able to take care of debt and such.
And in other news, I finally got my last W-2 today in the mail. Well, one W-2 and one 1099 really. But I got them and so as soon as I find the one that Hubby had "put up" so it wouldn't "get lost" we can call up our tax preparer and get everything filed. We are going to be getting a decent return this year as well, which is awesome because we really need it to help us catch up on our month-to-month expenses as well as to make some repairs to the house that our darling little children have caused and to catch up on past debt too. I have this goal that by this time next year, we will be debt-free with the exception of my student loans. And with any luck, those will be in deferment (because I will hopefully be back in school) and therefore will be able to pay them down quickly while making payments on them when they aren't due for payments to be made.
Wow. This was a long post. And I think it will hit every tag that I have - or nearly every tag anyhow. If you made it the end of this post, kudos to you! You are a brave, brave soul! Also, instead of trying to catch up on all of the activities and old postings that I had missed during my unscheduled bloggy break, I will just be jumping back in. But with a little less pressure this time. I am going to do what I can as I can. Because when life happens, it won't feel like yet another way that I'm falling behind in my obligations. Does that make sense?
Okay, this is sad, but honestly, I can't remember exactly what was happening prior to the weekend before last (so roughly the 15/16 or so. I had that weekend off from work and we had been working on projects around the house. JoNo was starting to have symptoms of a cold, which wasn't good. He has mild intermittent asthma which generally does not bother him AT ALL but when he gets a cold, it flares up in a severe case which often leaves us in an urgent/emergency situation. Not fun at all!
I don't recall for sure but I believe we sent him to school on Monday. He is in a special reading class that requires great attendance and after his fall sickness, I think he had only three days available to miss before he would be dropped from the program. (They can have a total of 8 missed days and then the next time, they get dropped) His teacher is aware of this, but she isn't the one who sets the guidelines for the program - some university in another state sets them. But she has tried to work with us, by having him often be the first child she meets with that day so that if he does get sent home, he won't get dropped from the program. We also had some other arrangements made with her, but her supervising teacher said no, that it would not work out, so she just has him scheduled as the first kid as much as she can.
Anyhow, JoNo was doing okay when I left for work on Monday night. Hubby was also not feeling well, but sometimes, as a parent, you just have to push through and try to make it work. I wanted to stay home, but I knew that really was not a possibility as I had just gotten a poor review from my boss at work the previous Friday (okay, so I guess I do remember parts of that previous week as well - oh well, I will just fill in with other things as needed). So, anyhow, I got to work and I was going to be working on the floor and going into our secured Alzheimer's unit for last rounds until the end of the shift (so roughly 4a-6a). But then one of my co-workers and one of the residents on our Alzheimer's unit started having issues with each other. It has been happening frequently and I often end up going back there and the co-worker coming out to the floor because I have the easiest time settling this resident down. Anyhow, I was back there and the decision was made to just have me stay back there the whole night. No biggie.
Around 2:30 or so, Hubby texts me to tell me that JoNo is doing very poorly and needs to go into the emergency room. I tell him to call and talk to my charge nurse because I think the chances of me being able to go home are greater if he calls and talks to her. (Which is the case I am sure.) So he calls and talks to my charge nurse and she eventually comes back and talks to me. Apparently, our boss had said that I could not go home to help with it and that Hubby needed to figure it out on his own. I was not pleased with this AT ALL. I let Hubby know what the boss said and he started getting all of the kids up and ready to go so that he could get JoNo to the hospital. Meanwhile, my charge nurse decides that the boss is being unreasonable and has me call around to see if I can find someone to come in early to cover the rest of my shift. (Nothing I like better than calling people around 3am to see if they want to come in to work early!) Ugh!
Eventually, even though I didn't find anyone who was able to come in, the nurse told me to go ahead and go on home. It's an hour and fifteen minute drive. I made it in just under an hour (maybe 50 minutes?) I didn't intend to go faster, but I was worried about my sweet JoNo.
So, I get to the hospital where he is being seen and after a bit we find out that he has bronchitis and a double ear infection. They put him on an antibiotic for both and send us home. Later that day, I call his pediatrician to see what he wants to do and when we should bring JoNo in to see him. He says that he wants to see JoNo the next day (Wednesday). I ask him about work for me (for various reasons which I didn't have to explain to our pedi because he knows us well enough) and he tells me that I need to stay home from work for that night because of JoNo being sick and that Hubby needed me to be home as well, since he'd be up all day with the well kids and then have to try and be up all night with JoNo for his round-the-clock breathing treatments and the fact that breathing issues tend to flare up more severely at night, etc. etc. Plus, Hubby was starting to feel ill as well and he was likely to get really run-down and get very ill as well if he didn't have a chance to take it easier. He offered a note to substantiate it as well, if needed. I took him up on the offer.
So I called work and let them know. They said that I needed to try to find my own replacement. So I called everyone on the list. No one could work for me. We have three aides at night, but fairly often we are scheduled short with only two aides, so the fact that I wouldn't be able to be there wasn't a huge issue (in my opinion).
The older boys had a school function that evening. It was a free all-school skate for the students and their families. We generally cannot afford activities like that and the next day was Natty's 10th birthday and he really wanted to go to the skating party but wasn't hopeful about it at all because he knew that JoNo's health often preempts all else when he is sick. But JoNo was resting peacefully, Hubby was doing okay at that point and Boo was just watching cartoons so I decided to take Natty and Punky to the skating party.
They had a blast! Natty is not a skilled skater by any means and neither is Punky, but they both did okay and most importantly, had a lot of fun! Plus, it was totally free, which I liked a lot. At one point, my boss calls me and he hears the background din and gets mad that I wasn't home with JoNo. Well, the whole skating party was a grand total of two hours, we didn't get there right when it started, as I didn't want to be away from JoNo and Hubby for three hours (the amount of time we would have been away had we been there for the whole thing) but I also didn't feel that Natty and Punky should have to miss out on the party either, so I took them.
My boss was asking me about why I had to leave work the previous night/morning and why Hubby couldn't handle it himself, etc. etc. and why I had to miss work that night as well, and I did my best to explain that Hubby was sick as well the night before and we have three other kids that also need to be cared for and that JoNo's lung disease makes any sickness a real health issue. He tells me to call everyone on the list a second time. We leave the rink about 30 minutes later (had to round up my kiddos) and as soon as I get home, I call everyone a second time, which seems pointless to me. Not to mention the fact that according to policy at work, we only need to call and find our own replacement for weekend shifts UNLESS we have a doctor's note. I had a doctor's note AND it wasn't a weekend, which meant that, according to policy, I wasn't required to call anyone to find a replacement, much less, call everyone TWICE. But, whatever, I tried anyhow, and texted him to let him know that I still was not able to find anyone to cover.
So, Tuesday night, Mike ends up going into the emergency room because he is having breathing issues and chest pressure, etc. They tested him and as it turns out, he has influenza. So, I had been up all night Monday night/ Tuesday morning, all day on Tuesday, most of Tuesday night, so when I was finally able to get some sleep on Wednesday morning (after kids left for school and just before JoNo's doctor's appointment) I crashed. Hubby, even though he was sick, took JoNo to the appointment and ended up writing another note for my work stating that due to Hubby's illness I needed to be home to care for JoNo. My inlaws didn't want the kids or Hubby over at their house because my father-in-law was about to go on a business trip and didn't want to get sick from the kids or Hubby. My mom, well, she isn't real attentive to the kiddos, so we try not to have her watch the kids much. So we really didn't have any outside resources. Plus, considering the fact that I am gone for work 11 hours per day in good weather and would need another 8 hours or so to sleep, I would end up needing 19 hours of childcare if I were able to find someone to watch the kids. 19 hours, most of it during the night. Not likely to happen.
So, I get the note from Hubby and I take it to the inlaw's house to fax it in to work. The note says that I am not to return to work until JoNo's illness had improved. Which I thought was pretty plain to mean that I would let them know when he was better and when I would be able to return to work.
Wednesday night was my scheduled night off. I was up with kids and taking care of JoNo and Hubby and trying to catch up on housework that Hubby had fallen behind on. Thursday, kids went to school, JoNo and I slept much of the day as we were able to and then Thursday night, I was home with the family. Friday afternoon, I get an inbox message on Facebook from my boss telling me that I was a no call/no show for the previous night. We discuss this off and on throughout the afternoon via Facebook's email system. I disagree that it was a no call/no show, but it's not really up to me to say what it was, so I leave it alone. I let him know that due to JoNo's illness, I will not likely be back to work until Monday night (which actually is my next scheduled night off - so really Tuesday night).
On Monday, JoNo is back to school. On Tuesday, everyone else's sickness catches up to me, so I miss work for my own illness. On Monday night, Hubby goes back into the emergency room for tooth pain caused by a broken tooth and what likely is an infection caused by it. They give him an antibiotic. Tuesday evening, the nurse line tells him to go back in because he has severe swelling and pain that isn't being helped by the current medications. So he goes back in. They change his antibiotic and his pain medicine. He goes home. Then he gets even worse. His face is so swollen on one side that he can't even see out of his eye. The nurse line says that he needs to go back in again. So back in he went. They ended up admitting him.
On Wednesday, he has emergency oral surgery. They remove 3 teeth and insert a drain. The tooth that was causing him pain was broken and had started an infection in his face. Then it became necrotic and the infection worsened and in the end, he had the three teeth removed, the drain inserted through his gumline,up into the cheek area, approaching his cheekbone, to drain any excess fluid/pus/infection. The gross part for me is that it drains into his mouth. Yuck! That has to be nasty for him. Thankfully, they have also kept him pretty well drugged up.
I got 3 (maybe) hours of sleep on Wednesday morning, from around 9am to 12p when Hubby called to let me know that they were going to be taking him in for the surgery. He asked that I come back to the hospital. Oh, and MIL had decided that she was going to take the kids overnight on Tuesday night since they were all well b/c of how much pain Hubby was in. Forgot to mention that part.
So I come back in on Wednesday afternoon, and it all happens so fast that I actually meet him on his way down to surgery. Thank goodness that I didn't catch an extra red light or anything! And then I spend the next three hours in the waiting room. Two of those hours with MIL, who also came to be here with Hubby. I wait to talk to the surgeon and then realize after he was gone that I had neglected to find out the post-op plans. So I didn't know if Hubby was going to go home afterwards, if he was going to stay in the hospital for a bit, or whatever.
So, then I wait for him to come out of recovery. I decide to call up to the nurse's station for his room and they tell me that he isn't up there yet and that I can wait in his room for him to come back. So up to the room MIL and I go. It wasn't long before Hubby was brought back up from recovery. He was still mostly sedated but I stayed for about another hour or so then headed on home to make dinner and try to get some sleep before work.
By the time I got home though, I knew that work would not be a good idea. I was so tired and so sleep-deprived that I felt it would be really risky to try to commute. I called work and let the charge nurse know, then I made a few phone calls to see if I could find anyone to cover and I couldn't so I called her back to let her know who I had tried to call so that she could pick up where I left off. I made spaghetti for supper and then Hubby texted me to let me know that his mom had just left. And then I slept for the next three hours until Hubby texted me again, asking me to bring up his pillows and blanket.
My mom had been staying at our house since Tuesday night and she came up to the hospital with me as well, so we stayed for a little bit but he was mostly sleeping and groggy so we left to go back home and try to get some more work done around the house. Not too long after arriving home, Hubby texts me again and asks me to bring up his toiletries. I gather them up and try to get a few things done, but I can tell from the tone of his messages that he is really anxious about being in the hospital, so I head back in, leaving my mom to finish up the kids' bedroom level of the house. I am not making much headway on the chores I had been trying to accomplish, but one can only do so much while also trying to manage everything else.
I am grateful that my mom is over to help out with the cleaning and getting the house back into shape. I am also grateful that the kids are better and that my mother-in-law is willing to keep them (probably until this weekend from the sound of it), I am grateful that Hubby has the care he needs and everything right now. But I feel like I am being stretched so thin at the same time.
There are a few things that I didn't mention yet in here. Last Friday (in addition to everything else) I had a meeting at Boo's school. They have four regular meetings per year in addition to this IEP/IFSP meetings. But we decided to cut his schooling back to three days a week from the five that he had been going, because it is throwing his sleep schedule off so much. He has days where he is rested and alert and ready to learn and cooperate and then he has days where he's tired and cranky and has a "ain't no one gonna get me to do nothin'" kind of attitude. And I knew it was likely to happen, because he is a child who still very much needs his naps. Often times, he falls asleep on the bus ride home and then he sleeps until about 5pm and then goes to bed last among the kids. Yes, my 3 year old has a later bedtime than my 10 year old. It's just the way life works at our house. But then there are other days where he doesn't fall asleep on the bus and he gets off and comes inside and will lay down and look at books quietly for awhile and then he will get up and be active again. These are the nights that he crashes around 7:30 but he doesn't sleep through the night. He will sleep until about 10 or 11 and then he's awake and wired for the next three or four hours. Then he will go back to sleep.
So we hope that by changing his schooling to three days a week, it will allow him to be alert and ready to participate in school on the days that he is there, since he will (hopefully) be getting adequate naps on his days off from school. We will be meeting again in another month to see how it is working and if we can bump him back up to five days. They also are going to recommend that he be in morning classes next year.
But apart from the scheduling dilemma and changes, they had lots of good praise about his accomplishments at school and how well he is doing. They reported to me that he is a very pleasant, friendly child who is eager to learn and to please people (when he is rested) and that he is very social and doing well in that aspect as well. He knows all of his letters by sight as well as numbers up to 20 and can rote count up to 20 (at home, it's 29 but still...) It was a very good meeting and I was pleased with his progress.
Let's see...what else... Oh, on Monday, I had a job interview at another facility. It is also out of town but it's closer and they are in the process of building a location in the city where we live, and just a few miles away too. It is scheduled to open in November and if I were to be hired on to this facility out of town, I would be able to transfer to the facility here in town once it opens. I have my fingers crossed for his job because it would solve a lot of issues. Plus, it's on a stretch of highway that doesn't get hit nearly as hard with our winter weather and overall, I think it just would be a better situation.
Hubby also wanted me to call another facility that I have worked in as a home health aide that is literally five minutes from home with both stoplights between here and there being red. That would have some serious time advantages to it and that particular facility is an Alzheimer's one so it is right up my alley too. Plus I know the staff there and have known many of them for years. My first assignment as a home health aide there was back in 2008. So the staff and I - we have history together. A good one too. Unfortunately, the only thing that they have available there right now is part-time evenings. Part-time would not work and evenings are my last choice for a shift. Preference would be days and then nights and then evenings. I will keep tabs on what is available over there though.
We also have a house inspection coming up next Monday. We had applied for government housing assistance and our name came to the top of the list last June. In September, we got our voucher. In December, we got an extension on our voucher, and now we are finally getting the house inspected to make sure it passes their guidelines. (It should.) But I have been trying to get it ultra-cleaned in the meantime because it also makes me nervous. I feel like they are going to be coming in and judging me personally, even though I am not the one home to maintain the house on a regular basis. In actuality, they are coming in to make sure that the house is safe and meets their safety criteria and so on and so forth. But this program will reduce our monthly rent expense by nearly half, which will go a long way towards us being able to take care of debt and such.
And in other news, I finally got my last W-2 today in the mail. Well, one W-2 and one 1099 really. But I got them and so as soon as I find the one that Hubby had "put up" so it wouldn't "get lost" we can call up our tax preparer and get everything filed. We are going to be getting a decent return this year as well, which is awesome because we really need it to help us catch up on our month-to-month expenses as well as to make some repairs to the house that our darling little children have caused and to catch up on past debt too. I have this goal that by this time next year, we will be debt-free with the exception of my student loans. And with any luck, those will be in deferment (because I will hopefully be back in school) and therefore will be able to pay them down quickly while making payments on them when they aren't due for payments to be made.
Wow. This was a long post. And I think it will hit every tag that I have - or nearly every tag anyhow. If you made it the end of this post, kudos to you! You are a brave, brave soul! Also, instead of trying to catch up on all of the activities and old postings that I had missed during my unscheduled bloggy break, I will just be jumping back in. But with a little less pressure this time. I am going to do what I can as I can. Because when life happens, it won't feel like yet another way that I'm falling behind in my obligations. Does that make sense?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Catching Up
Well, I must say that I have not updated my blog in quite some time. Life at home and work both have been extremely hectic as of late. I don't even know where to jump in from, but I guess I have to pick a spot and jump!
Well, there is nothing major that has happened since I last blogged. Hubby is still wanting to homeschool the kids this fall. It is not really financially feasible as we both need to work and MIL is not supportive of homeschooling and would not watch the boys during the school day.
We are keeping our eyes out for options though. I did find a job opening recently that is for night shift (11p-7:30a) that pays well enough that Hubby would only need to work a minimal number of hours, which in turn, would allow for us to homeschool the kids and not be reliant on MIL to watch the kids at all. It would work out beautifully!
For right now though, I'm still working my daytime job at the store and just trying to make ends meet. It's super stressful at the store right now because all of the direct store management are on power trips. And they are all tripping each other. Which is kind of amusing until one of them falls on you. Nothing like taking one for the team, ya know?
I am keeping my eye out for other jobs though. I met with the insurance rep for our company and after reviewing the policy, I would be working simply for the insurance. Not my idea of a good time. I mean, seriously? I would take home something like 20 dollars every two weeks. Maybe. Which leaves the whole question if I'm only taking home 40 dollars a month, how does that work exactly? I think the people who write these insurance policies may need to take another look at what the average employee is paid. I think that insurance needs the overhaul - not the healthcare system as a whole. Just imagine if the insurance companies operated with more of the ideal of a Health Savings Account…you put money in, it rolls over, you swipe your card for medical expenses only and voila, you aren't paying exuberant amounts of money for something that you are not likely to use the full benefit of. Crazy concept, but it just might work. So, anyhow, that's my thought on that topic. There is more to it related to politics but I'm not going to jump into that topic, just yet.
I have ended up taking this whole week off of work unexpectedly, as I was hospitalized on Monday after what the doctors thought might have been a stroke. When the tests came back negative for that, they began doing other tests. All came up fine. I have a (mostly) clean bill of health. I am overweight and need to lose weight, there are some fatty deposits on my liver which will go away when I lose the pounds. I have a cyst in my nasal passage but that isn't anything to worry about and I have some nodules on my thyroid glands that look like they could develop into tumors (or something like that) and I will want to get that checked out, but for time being, the doctor said not to even worry about that.
So, anyhow, after a CT and CTA (cat scan and then a cat scan with contrast - which I cannot tolerate), a ton of bloodwork, an MRI, an ultrasound, and a lumbar puncture (yeeee-ouch!) they couldn't figure out what was causing the symptoms. So after a night in the hospital, they sent me home. On the way home, I developed an insanely fierce migraine headache - most likely related to the lumbar puncture I was sure. I went home, took pain meds and slept for most of the next twenty hours.
Woke up Wednesday in tons of pain and with dizziness and blurred vision again. Hubby called the nurse line and they told him to call an ambulance. I told him no. We would take our own vehicle, thankyouverymuch. So eventually we did. Got in to the hospital and they started an IV and more pain meds. Diagnosed it as a migraine. (Well duh! The question is why?! From the lumbar puncture? I was supposed to be back at work on Wednesday from the doctor's original plan - but I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to manage even being at work the following day!) Doctor said no work for an additional two days to give the spinal fluid time to build back up and for me to get a bit more rest.
I got home and was reading on BlogFrog about headaches and migraines and then I decided to do a little bit of research myself - I typed in migraine with my original symptoms and came up with something that sounded so much like what I was experiencing initially, that I wonder if maybe that wasn't it. It's something called a hemiplegic migraine. You can google it, that's what I did. Well, rather, I googled the symptoms and came up with it as a possible answer, you can google the term and come up with the definition. That seems fair enough. But anyhow, after another round of severe pain early on in the evening, I am doing much better.
Also, something else occurred to me tonight. Do you remember how I mentioned before that I was struggling with some things? Well, it became apparent tonight, that I'm not struggling with those issues as much anymore. It's not even a struggle. A struggle is when you have to make a conscientious decision to resist whatever it is, and its not even happening on a conscious level. It's all happening without me even thinking about it. And that is a very good thing indeed.
Needless to say, my marriage is doing extremely well too. Hubby and I had a pretty soul-bearing talk today, in which I made some confessions to him about negative things I have felt or thought and he forgave me. It was a really difficult thing to admit and to be held accountable for, but it was so very important and necessary.
I think that even with all the stressful things we have going on in our lives at the moment, that we are closer now than we have been a short while. We have periods of ups and downs. And as I was commenting to a friend of mine, our downs aren't quite as low as they once were, and if I look back on it, I can see how far our downs have come up. I hope that makes sense to all of you. It made sense to her - but then again, she knows how low our downs were and how not as low they are now.
A while back, I had a Lia Sophia party and my order came in today. I was so excited! I was able to get a lot of things that I really wanted for really cheap. One of the things I wanted to get was a jewelry set for Punky Pie. She loves jewelry so much. So I had decided on this necklace, ring and earring set for her. The only thing is that she doesn't have pierced ears. But she liked these earrings so I think maybe she might be willing to get her ears pierced now. Anyhow, this jewelry set was supposed to be for her birthday (May 2) but when Hubby saw the jewelry today, he got really excited about it and we discussed giving her the set for Easter instead. And then when the kids came home from Grandma's house, he looked at the jewelry boxes that Punky was eying and looked at me and so I agreed. So Hubby gave Punky her ring and I showed her the necklace and earrings. We decided that she could wear her ring before Easter if she wanted to, but her necklace had to wait until Easter morning. Anyhow, I couldn't help but take a picture of our matching rings. I love how it looks too!
But I think it is time to wrap up this post as it is getting pretty lengthy and I want to get back to normal blogging again. So, for now, I bid you a great evening! I'm sorry for the absence but I'm back now! :)
Well, there is nothing major that has happened since I last blogged. Hubby is still wanting to homeschool the kids this fall. It is not really financially feasible as we both need to work and MIL is not supportive of homeschooling and would not watch the boys during the school day.
We are keeping our eyes out for options though. I did find a job opening recently that is for night shift (11p-7:30a) that pays well enough that Hubby would only need to work a minimal number of hours, which in turn, would allow for us to homeschool the kids and not be reliant on MIL to watch the kids at all. It would work out beautifully!
For right now though, I'm still working my daytime job at the store and just trying to make ends meet. It's super stressful at the store right now because all of the direct store management are on power trips. And they are all tripping each other. Which is kind of amusing until one of them falls on you. Nothing like taking one for the team, ya know?
I am keeping my eye out for other jobs though. I met with the insurance rep for our company and after reviewing the policy, I would be working simply for the insurance. Not my idea of a good time. I mean, seriously? I would take home something like 20 dollars every two weeks. Maybe. Which leaves the whole question if I'm only taking home 40 dollars a month, how does that work exactly? I think the people who write these insurance policies may need to take another look at what the average employee is paid. I think that insurance needs the overhaul - not the healthcare system as a whole. Just imagine if the insurance companies operated with more of the ideal of a Health Savings Account…you put money in, it rolls over, you swipe your card for medical expenses only and voila, you aren't paying exuberant amounts of money for something that you are not likely to use the full benefit of. Crazy concept, but it just might work. So, anyhow, that's my thought on that topic. There is more to it related to politics but I'm not going to jump into that topic, just yet.
I have ended up taking this whole week off of work unexpectedly, as I was hospitalized on Monday after what the doctors thought might have been a stroke. When the tests came back negative for that, they began doing other tests. All came up fine. I have a (mostly) clean bill of health. I am overweight and need to lose weight, there are some fatty deposits on my liver which will go away when I lose the pounds. I have a cyst in my nasal passage but that isn't anything to worry about and I have some nodules on my thyroid glands that look like they could develop into tumors (or something like that) and I will want to get that checked out, but for time being, the doctor said not to even worry about that.
So, anyhow, after a CT and CTA (cat scan and then a cat scan with contrast - which I cannot tolerate), a ton of bloodwork, an MRI, an ultrasound, and a lumbar puncture (yeeee-ouch!) they couldn't figure out what was causing the symptoms. So after a night in the hospital, they sent me home. On the way home, I developed an insanely fierce migraine headache - most likely related to the lumbar puncture I was sure. I went home, took pain meds and slept for most of the next twenty hours.
Woke up Wednesday in tons of pain and with dizziness and blurred vision again. Hubby called the nurse line and they told him to call an ambulance. I told him no. We would take our own vehicle, thankyouverymuch. So eventually we did. Got in to the hospital and they started an IV and more pain meds. Diagnosed it as a migraine. (Well duh! The question is why?! From the lumbar puncture? I was supposed to be back at work on Wednesday from the doctor's original plan - but I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to manage even being at work the following day!) Doctor said no work for an additional two days to give the spinal fluid time to build back up and for me to get a bit more rest.
I got home and was reading on BlogFrog about headaches and migraines and then I decided to do a little bit of research myself - I typed in migraine with my original symptoms and came up with something that sounded so much like what I was experiencing initially, that I wonder if maybe that wasn't it. It's something called a hemiplegic migraine. You can google it, that's what I did. Well, rather, I googled the symptoms and came up with it as a possible answer, you can google the term and come up with the definition. That seems fair enough. But anyhow, after another round of severe pain early on in the evening, I am doing much better.
Also, something else occurred to me tonight. Do you remember how I mentioned before that I was struggling with some things? Well, it became apparent tonight, that I'm not struggling with those issues as much anymore. It's not even a struggle. A struggle is when you have to make a conscientious decision to resist whatever it is, and its not even happening on a conscious level. It's all happening without me even thinking about it. And that is a very good thing indeed.
Needless to say, my marriage is doing extremely well too. Hubby and I had a pretty soul-bearing talk today, in which I made some confessions to him about negative things I have felt or thought and he forgave me. It was a really difficult thing to admit and to be held accountable for, but it was so very important and necessary.
I think that even with all the stressful things we have going on in our lives at the moment, that we are closer now than we have been a short while. We have periods of ups and downs. And as I was commenting to a friend of mine, our downs aren't quite as low as they once were, and if I look back on it, I can see how far our downs have come up. I hope that makes sense to all of you. It made sense to her - but then again, she knows how low our downs were and how not as low they are now.
A while back, I had a Lia Sophia party and my order came in today. I was so excited! I was able to get a lot of things that I really wanted for really cheap. One of the things I wanted to get was a jewelry set for Punky Pie. She loves jewelry so much. So I had decided on this necklace, ring and earring set for her. The only thing is that she doesn't have pierced ears. But she liked these earrings so I think maybe she might be willing to get her ears pierced now. Anyhow, this jewelry set was supposed to be for her birthday (May 2) but when Hubby saw the jewelry today, he got really excited about it and we discussed giving her the set for Easter instead. And then when the kids came home from Grandma's house, he looked at the jewelry boxes that Punky was eying and looked at me and so I agreed. So Hubby gave Punky her ring and I showed her the necklace and earrings. We decided that she could wear her ring before Easter if she wanted to, but her necklace had to wait until Easter morning. Anyhow, I couldn't help but take a picture of our matching rings. I love how it looks too!
But I think it is time to wrap up this post as it is getting pretty lengthy and I want to get back to normal blogging again. So, for now, I bid you a great evening! I'm sorry for the absence but I'm back now! :)
Friday, March 5, 2010
Once again, I am feeling very conflicted. There is a lot of conflicting emotions and turmoil going on inside me right now and I just want to run away. I want to run off and start fresh. I'm threatened and I feel scared. I'm not even sure what to do.
I'm trying hard not to internalize these issues. I'm trying hard not to keep them, but I am recognizing that it's what I'm feeling like doing. I'm trying to put on a brave face for those in my life. I don't want them to know the fear that I'm feeling. I don't even want Hubby to know it. I want to be strong and to take care of things. I want to fix the things that are wrong.
But I can't. Or at least, I can't do it alone. I need to talk to Hubby, to turn to him for support and help. And to do it without blaming him.
I'm angry as well. Anger is a choice and it's a secondary emotion to the other things that I'm feeling - threatened, scared, etc. But yes, I am choosing to be angry. Maybe even hostile. I haven't decided if I am going to go that far just yet. But I'm getting there.
I feel like a choice that we want to make, for our family, is being condemned. I feel as though I have been...persecuted isn't quite the right word, but it's in the same category. Maybe it is the term that I'm looking for. I don't know. And I don't know who I can trust anymore. There were many people that I thought I could trust and that I want to trust and I don't know. I don't know who I can and cannot trust right now.
I love my kids, I love my Hubby, I want to do the best things for all of us. Right now, though, not only do I not know what that is, but I also do not know how to do it. Every choice I make or think about making, conflicts with what I want or need to happen. I am just so completely confused.
I'm trying hard not to internalize these issues. I'm trying hard not to keep them, but I am recognizing that it's what I'm feeling like doing. I'm trying to put on a brave face for those in my life. I don't want them to know the fear that I'm feeling. I don't even want Hubby to know it. I want to be strong and to take care of things. I want to fix the things that are wrong.
But I can't. Or at least, I can't do it alone. I need to talk to Hubby, to turn to him for support and help. And to do it without blaming him.
I'm angry as well. Anger is a choice and it's a secondary emotion to the other things that I'm feeling - threatened, scared, etc. But yes, I am choosing to be angry. Maybe even hostile. I haven't decided if I am going to go that far just yet. But I'm getting there.
I feel like a choice that we want to make, for our family, is being condemned. I feel as though I have been...persecuted isn't quite the right word, but it's in the same category. Maybe it is the term that I'm looking for. I don't know. And I don't know who I can trust anymore. There were many people that I thought I could trust and that I want to trust and I don't know. I don't know who I can and cannot trust right now.
I love my kids, I love my Hubby, I want to do the best things for all of us. Right now, though, not only do I not know what that is, but I also do not know how to do it. Every choice I make or think about making, conflicts with what I want or need to happen. I am just so completely confused.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Time For Me Thursday
Today I did a couple of things that were for "me" that I'd really like to share with you all, after all, that's what Time For Me Thursday is all about right?First off, if you have been following along, you will know that I have a number of house projects all going on at the same time and amazingly to me my house (*not including my bedroom, bathroom or closet) looks great! Sure, it could use some minor picking up - as could probably anyone's house with many small kids running around, but for the most part, it is looking pretty darned spiffy right now. Including the playroom - even though I still need to do a major toy sort and such in there. And the laundry / laundry room and basement have been coming along quite well also! It's awesome!
But getting that stuff to that point with Hubby was not the things that I did for *me* today. What I did for me also benefited my kids. After Punky got done with preschool today, I took her out to McDonalds for an ice cream cone. I have these coupons for free items from McDonalds (from Valentine's Day) and I just thought that she could use a little bit of a treat. She'd had a good day at school and I just wanted to share that special time with her. (Plus, it gave me a chance to get out and about for a little bit!)
The second thing was really the same as the first thing, only a different child. I took NattyNu out for an ice cream this evening after supper. I had to run to the pharmacy to pick up JoNo's breathing treatment solution boxes (one for home, one for school) and I stopped by my mother-in-law's house on the way over there. But anyhow, before I left the house, NattyNu asked if he could go with me, because he wanted to get some ice cream too since Punky had her ice cream still when we got home from preschool so it wasn't a secret that she got some this afternoon. I had told him earlier in the day that he could get an ice cream after supper so this was a good time to go get one for him.
So anyhow, NattyNu was with me when I got the prescription and then we headed towards the McDonalds by our house. When we got to our usual turn to go home, I didn't get into the turn lane since I was going to McDonalds and not directly home. Apparently NattyNu had forgotten about the ice cream (but let me assure you, had I tried to go home, he would most definitely have remembered!) and he asked me what I was doing. I told him we were going to go get ice cream and he was excited about it all over again.
The whole time we were gone (probably about an hour or so) we had a wonderful chance to talk and for him to just let everything out - things that are going on at school both good and bad. And it was a chance for me to just listen and be there with him and for him. I think that lately I have been very high-stress and haven't given him this much needed time. But the truth is, I need it too. I need this time to connect with my kids and I am actually very grateful that I got some alone time with these two kids today. I had alone time with JoNo yesterday (at the hospital, but once he was starting to do better, we had time to talk and spend together, etc. too)
While we were out, I picked up a cone for JoNo as well. But when we got home, he was already asleep for the night, so I handed the cone to Hubby instead. He LOVES soft serve ice cream! But he really really dislikes cones. So he at the top half of the ice cream and I ate the cone half. It was kind of funny and reminds me of the anecdote about the old couple sharing a meal at a fast food place. That story is kinda gross but it's really sweet too (in a way).
I still have not had a chance to really talk to Hubby about the issues I mentioned earlier today, but I plan to do that as soon as I finish typing this up. Then we will be heading back downstairs for some more fun and exciting time with laundry! Wooo Hooo! Yee haw! (Okay, I did not really just say that!) :)
Pulling Away
As I was driving today to drop Punky off at preschool (after her changing three times to get the "right" outfit for school today) I was thinking to myself about all of the stressful things going on in my life right now. Although, really it's the stressful things that are going on in all of our lives right now, but the way I was thinking about it, was the selfish "in my life" way.
And then something hit me. When things get stressful, I withdraw from Hubby, from the kids even, from everybody. I try to figure out how to fix it and make it better. And if I am going to be completely honest, I would have to say that I even withdraw from God. I don't pass my burdens off. I take them, I keep them, I internalize them and I try to solve them. Granted, there are some things that I can solve but I don't need to keep the problems and internalize them. I should be coming to God and to Hubby with these issues (even though Hubby already knows what the issues are) and discuss these problems in my life and in my family's life with both of them.
But I don't. My first initial reaction is to, as I said, keep it. I own it. And then when things end up negatively, I am upset for not having help in one aspect or another. It's a very confusing place to be in and I'm sure from Hubby's perspective, it's even more confusing!
I think I do this because of the way I learned to do things growing up. I learned VERY early on in life to depend on no one but myself. I was the only one that I could depend on and if I couldn't depend on myself, then there was no one else that I could depend on either. And while I do see some validity in that thought process even still, I know that there is more error to it than anything else. You know why? Because I am human. There, I said it. I am only human. I make mistakes, I fail, I don't follow through. And there are times when I am undependable - even to myself. The only person that I can really and truly depend on 100% of the time is God. Need to keep that one in perspective, for sure.
But anyhow, I just came to this realization today and I thought that I would share it with you. And now I am curious - do you do this too? If so, why? How does that work out for you and your husband or family? I suggest that you make a commitment to change that. Learn to change your initial reaction. I think we usually are able to recognize our initial reactions once we realize what they are. And realization and recognition are the first steps to changing a behavior.
I need to take some time today to sit down with Hubby and really discuss all of this. And to apologize to him for pulling away from him and let him know that I will be working on it in the future. And I think I also need to work on how I approach Hubby with these kinds of issues as well. Because I don't think I do such a great job a lot of the time. Which is also probably a contributing factor into not turning to him with tough issues. I have a lot to work on already and I haven't even talked to him yet. Wish me luck! And good luck to you too!
Abstract Concepts
My nine year old understands a number of abstract concepts. There was one this morning that he didn't understand and it's hard to write about but I feel it is necessary to do so at the same time. Not sure why, but I feel like it's important for me to just get it written down.
This morning upon waking up, NattyNu told me that he wanted money for the book fair at school today. That today was the last day to buy books at the book fair. And he really wanted a new book. I explained to him that I didn't know about the bookfair and that I don't have any money until next Thursday when I get paid. He had also been at his grandma's house earlier this week and could have asked her to buy him the book. She is the one that buys most of his books, because while we have money for our basic needs, with Hubby's recent job loss, even taking care of our basic needs has been put into jeopardy. But I did not tell him that part. I just said that I didn't have money for books right now.
He was understandably upset. He said that he doesn't understand why there even is such a thing as money. That whoever invented money just wanted to make people die. Because if you don't have money, then you can't have a place to live and that if you don't have a place to live, well, then you die. That was his reasoning. And it broke my heart.
But what I said to him was that we have money for that stuff. We have money to take care of the things that we NEED. We just don't have money right now for extras. That he doesn't need to worry about not having the things we need, because we had money for that stuff and we will continue to have money for that stuff in the future as well. Just not extra money for extra things this week.
I am concerned that NattyNu is stressing out over this. I mean, I think it's important for kids to realize that just because they want something doesn't mean that they will get it. But I also wonder where the concern for basic needs is coming from. I have a feeling, based on experience, that a certain family member is saying things to him that a kid shouldn't have to worry about. And my heart is very conflicted about that. Because to avoid this situation, I would have to keep him away from this person, which means that I would not be able to work, which would mean that we wouldn't be able to pay our bills and take care of our basic needs, you know? Yet, if I work and continue to have NattyNu around this family member, then he will continue to hear these negative things that he doesn't need to hear about, or focus on. So, there is much conflict within my heart right now.
There is also another issue in regards to work for me and school for the kids. With JoNo's health recently, I don't know that he is really getting much out of his public school education. And with my working during the school hours, it would be very difficult for me to homeschool him full-time. At the same time, it's difficult for me to work evenings because that is also when JoNo's health issues tend to flare up the most, and same thing with overnights. I'm afraid that with the amount of work that I have had to miss due to his health, that I will end up putting my job in jeopardy. My boss says that my job status is just fine but I do know that one of the assistant managers is very grumbly about me missing days when JoNo is really bad.
So, I have a lot of stuff to try to sort through and figure out in regards to all of that. I'm finding it very hard to balance being a mom to a chronically ill child, a special needs child and two other children, plus a wife, a homemaker, and an employee. Plus my mom expects me to be ready and available to help her on a moment's notice. It does not work well at all. I have gotten better about telling her no, that I cannot do this or that, to the point that I am saying no more than I am saying yes - and I am only saying yes when I actually can and it doesn't hurt my family.
Another thing that I am feeling challenged and stretched in regards to is the housework. I am trying very hard to get things done around the house and to keep the house up, but I feel right now like I am fighting a losing battle - against my family. And I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. And I'm crabby and hormonal as well. I want to go back to bed for another hour or so and let Hubby be up and in charge of the work and the kids, but at the same time, I'm sure that would actually produce the exact opposite effect in the long run.
I'm not sure how to keep going on at this point, but I'm also not sure that I can take a break and get some relief either. I will tell you later how it goes...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Blah, worries and vents...
I updated my Facebook status earlier this week saying: "Deanne is feeling very down today. It's been quite the week and tensions have been high. Take a moment, breathe and relax. Repeat as often as necessary." and it's true. Things are really tense. Not between the Hubby and myself, well maybe some...or actually maybe quite a bit to be honest. But that's not the biggest part of it all - it's really a sum of many different things.
The first thing and probably the biggest thing is that Hubby has lost his job. According to the lady (who wasn't actually his boss but yet was the one who fired him) he wasn't meeting expectations. Which, quite frankly, is near impossible with his job situation as it was. Basically, he had two bosses - DV and AM. AM is the person who facilitated the grant that paid Hubby. He was working for a non-profit organization and pretty much all of the employees are paid for by grants from one place or another. The person in the non-profit who actually received the grant on behalf of the non-profit is DV, who was technically Hubby's supervisor. So, he had a boss and a supervisor. And he had expectations from each of them. Then there is the lady who fired Hubby. She isn't his boss, but she is the boss of DV, so DV kind of needed to go along with what DD wanted or she could be in trouble as well. It's really complicated and messy. But basically, DD also had another set of expectations for Hubby as well. One of which was for him to work 60+ hour weeks on salary pay - even though he is only REQUIRED to work 42ish hour weeks, per AM. But even apart from that - DD also rarely spent any time with Hubby actually knowing what was going on, yet felt like she had enough knowledge of what was happening or wasn't happening to make a decision on his employment status. But that isn't even all of it yet. Enter into the picture the founder of the non-profit, BB. BB is the founder, yet she is the assistant to DD as far as daily operations go. Kind of weird? And BB kept throwing additional responsibilities at Hubby too. To the point where there is a running joke of "this is your new first priority" because she is known to say that four or five times within one conversation. I like this lady a lot but I think she expected too much. And to add to matters, DD and BB rarely agree on subjects. It was an insanely difficult situation for Hubby, but he did really well with it. He tried to fulfill everyone's expectations and in the end, the only person he was not able to please was DD.
But anyhow, this whole thing has put a lot of stress on us - while he was going through it (and while I was too - as I often would go out to his work and give him a hand to help ease some of the workload - and it worked well for the non-profit as well - to have another "community volunteer") and in a way, it's a blessing that it's over. Because it was hard - incredibly hard and difficult. But now, even though the day-to-day stress of that job is over, so is the income that the job provided. And that is also hard.
I am working full-time. I work two 8-hour days and two 10-hour days. And then I have a three day weekend. I really like having a three day weekend, but I'm thinking that I might need to go ahead and buckle down and work five days a week instead of four - for a running total of 44 hours a week. That's what I am doing this week. And even if I do that on a regular basis - it still won't be enough since I only make minimum wage. So there is stress there too.
Another item is that with my increased workload, I am home less. One big thing was for me to be working while the kids were in school, so that I could be home and taking care of them to get them back into obedience again. The more that I work and the less that I am home during their non-school hours, the more disobedient they have been. But at the same time, my manager's rule is that except for himself - no employee can have a full 40 hour work week unless they work weekends. Hence my regular schedule of 36 hours a week - over four days. I told my manager that I'd rather work 36 hours and have a three day weekend, than to 40 hours and have to lose a weekend day. I have four kids and a husband. I am the only employee at my work who is married - and only one of two that has at least one kid. I made the sacrifice of 4 hours in order to be here with the kids. I made the sacrifice of working longer days in order to get as close as possible to working 40 hours. But I made these arrangements when Hubby was still working. And now, he's not. I could talk to my manager about taking on the weekend overnight hours - something that I really don't want to do because it would really mess with my schedule and since I was hospitalized in the last year and since I know that I am susceptible to depression, I really don't want to do that.
So, I'm struggling to find balance right now. Work, kids, volunteering, home, finances, relationships... Admittedly, these stresses have put some tension between Hubby and I - or at least we have allowed it to put some tension between us. Because truly we have. I have been exhausted. Plus we have had sick kids, Hubby and I were both sick the week prior to that and it's just been a lot to handle and deal with.
I've also been dealing with a lot of temptation lately to do things that I know I don't really want to do - things that would make me happy in the very immediate time, but would be devastating in the long run. I try to remain focused on the big picture, but sometimes the here and now is pretty appealing, you know? And I share this on here because if I talk about it, I'm less likely to do something that I know I shouldn't do. And no, it's not anything illegal or would be damaging to my marriage or to my family, but it's something that still just wouldn't be good.
I'm really trying hard to get this all straightened out in my head and in my heart. I'm having more difficulty figuring out what I can do to make things better - to make them right. And I know that it's not all on me - but I have a hard time giving up the control too - and I think part of that comes from the unstable life I grew up in. I learned early on through my own life experiences the old adage, "If you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself" and while I know that is not true - and that I do need to lean on others more (specifically God and Hubby) it's also very hard to let go of that. So I'm working on that.
Monday, January 25, 2010
I Am In Love!!!!
Just wait until you all see these! Oh, how perfect are they? Seriously? Totally going to critique them all right here and now for you all.
This one is totally awesome because it symbolizes the double roles of being an employee and a volunteer. And I love the gray sky in this because when you are doing both of these roles, there is a lot of gray area. It's hard to balance both of them. Such an excellent choice on this one!
This one is such an awesome representation of the way that I feel about working. I like it but it's not exactly real fulfilling at this point. It serves it's purpose but it doesn't round me out or complete me, you know?
However, I love my work as a volunteer. Doing this makes me feel so much fuller and complete. And I love the way it makes me feel. I feel like I'm really making a difference. Much like this picture.
Parenting can be incredibly humbling. That's why I chose this as my label name. But it is also incredibly rewarding. There is nothing else like it. And often, when you have been humbled by your kiddos, (like the gray sky above in the photo below), you are also enlightened by them and proud of them because they have surpassed what you expected from them (the sunshine showing on the landscape.) And if you look closely, you will see a double rainbow, symbolizing this mix of humility and pride.
There is nothing quite as organized as the calm tide. Just think of it. The tide comes in, following a regular routine, and when it breaks against the shore, it does so much and affects so many things. It helps clean the beaches, allows life to grow (think of the animals that plant their eggs in the sand and the tide coming in and sweeping them out to sea where they can hatch and begin life). Such organization! It's perfect. The tide can also be very not organized, with storms billowing in to the shore, and wreaking havoc. Kind of like the destruction that we achieve in our lives when we are not organized. Love this!
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This one was the first one I saw on the page when I was downloading the pictures from my email. It just jumped out at me. Something about the mixture of the font, the way the rainbow cuts through the center and really is the focus of the picture. It just rocks. But there is absolutely some symbolism here as well. My hope with the New Year, New Goals posts are to change little areas in my life and to allow me to grow. First of all, this picture is just beautiful and inspiring to me. But also, the rainbow is cutting through everything else - much like I want these changes to cut through the other things in my life to help me grow and change. I may even make this picture my desktop background. I like it THAT much!
Once again, just like the parenting picture, this one also shows the gray sky with the sunshine showing below on the landscape. To me, this picture just looks like harmony. I don't know - there's something about a country setting that equals peace and tranquility and well, harmony, for me. They gray sky on the other hand, shows that it can be rough, but the sunshine below shows that it will pass and that the land (or the relationship) has withstood it and all is well. (I hope this review of this particular picture doesn't offend though - it's just my interpretation of the picture)
Accountability. I don't know why exactly this picture works for it, but it does. Something about the colors in the picture, I think, is what it is. I'm not sure, but I love it!
I just love them all so much! Wow! They are just incredible! With very little instruction and a lot of indecisiveness about my request, Katie knew just what it was I wanted. She knew what I wanted more than I did, I'd have to say! So a HUGE thank you to a wonderful friend for designing these for me! Thanks Katie!
This one is totally awesome because it symbolizes the double roles of being an employee and a volunteer. And I love the gray sky in this because when you are doing both of these roles, there is a lot of gray area. It's hard to balance both of them. Such an excellent choice on this one!
This one is such an awesome representation of the way that I feel about working. I like it but it's not exactly real fulfilling at this point. It serves it's purpose but it doesn't round me out or complete me, you know?
However, I love my work as a volunteer. Doing this makes me feel so much fuller and complete. And I love the way it makes me feel. I feel like I'm really making a difference. Much like this picture.
Parenting can be incredibly humbling. That's why I chose this as my label name. But it is also incredibly rewarding. There is nothing else like it. And often, when you have been humbled by your kiddos, (like the gray sky above in the photo below), you are also enlightened by them and proud of them because they have surpassed what you expected from them (the sunshine showing on the landscape.) And if you look closely, you will see a double rainbow, symbolizing this mix of humility and pride.
There is nothing quite as organized as the calm tide. Just think of it. The tide comes in, following a regular routine, and when it breaks against the shore, it does so much and affects so many things. It helps clean the beaches, allows life to grow (think of the animals that plant their eggs in the sand and the tide coming in and sweeping them out to sea where they can hatch and begin life). Such organization! It's perfect. The tide can also be very not organized, with storms billowing in to the shore, and wreaking havoc. Kind of like the destruction that we achieve in our lives when we are not organized. Love this!
.JPG)
This one was the first one I saw on the page when I was downloading the pictures from my email. It just jumped out at me. Something about the mixture of the font, the way the rainbow cuts through the center and really is the focus of the picture. It just rocks. But there is absolutely some symbolism here as well. My hope with the New Year, New Goals posts are to change little areas in my life and to allow me to grow. First of all, this picture is just beautiful and inspiring to me. But also, the rainbow is cutting through everything else - much like I want these changes to cut through the other things in my life to help me grow and change. I may even make this picture my desktop background. I like it THAT much!
Once again, just like the parenting picture, this one also shows the gray sky with the sunshine showing below on the landscape. To me, this picture just looks like harmony. I don't know - there's something about a country setting that equals peace and tranquility and well, harmony, for me. They gray sky on the other hand, shows that it can be rough, but the sunshine below shows that it will pass and that the land (or the relationship) has withstood it and all is well. (I hope this review of this particular picture doesn't offend though - it's just my interpretation of the picture)
Accountability. I don't know why exactly this picture works for it, but it does. Something about the colors in the picture, I think, is what it is. I'm not sure, but I love it!
I just love them all so much! Wow! They are just incredible! With very little instruction and a lot of indecisiveness about my request, Katie knew just what it was I wanted. She knew what I wanted more than I did, I'd have to say! So a HUGE thank you to a wonderful friend for designing these for me! Thanks Katie!
Monday, January 18, 2010
A Bit Off...
I am feeling a bit off today. I think it has to do with the fact that tomorrow is Boy A's 9th birthday and we will not hardly see him at all that day, due to our work schedules. The kiddos will be heading over to my mother-in-law's house around 6:30 in the morning and they won't be home again until 5:30 on Wednesday. That's a LONG time!
I'm also feeling a bit off because although we got a lot of housework done yesterday, there still remains a fair amount to do and tensions are high. Hubby is not as supportive of my blogging as he once was, because it takes too much time. He says that it is a bit hypocritical of me to have a blog called "Organizing Amid the Chaos" when I am not doing any organizing or "lifting a finger around the house." I do see where he's coming from. He sees this blog, knows the blog title, and assumes that because I have a blog entitled "Organizing Amid the Chaos" that the house will suddenly and miraculously be completely cleaned and organized. Okay, I guess that I threw some sarcasm in there as well. I almost edited it out and rewrote it, but decided not to. That is my true reaction to it, but I do see where he is coming from, even if my reaction is not the one of love and acceptance that I wish came so readily to me.
I do feel like he expects it all to just happen quickly and easily - even if I am not home to do it. Even if I am working and volunteering many hours. I know what needs to be done. I know that I have not put as much time and effort into it as I am able. I do, selfishly, enjoy time to relax after work as well as other priorities. No, I'm not perfect, and I don't claim to be. I do want to get stuff done around the house, but I do not want to do it in lieu of time to relax, to be with the kids, to have time with Hubby, to work...I don't want to spend my days as a slave to the house, to Hubby, to the kids, to work. It's a matter of balancing it all. And lately, the balance has been uneven. Work and volunteering has been taking up the largest chunk of my time, followed by time with Hubby, time with the kids, relaxing and then cleaning has gotten short-changed lately.
Saturday and Sunday, I was so stiff and sore from working such long hours, that I could barely move. Sunday was a bit of an improvement over Saturday though, because I was more able to move and I didn't have to work as long of a shift. We were even able to spend some time with family friends, C and M, to celebrate Boy A's birthday a little bit early, and to also have some time playing cards with them. C and I won the game by the way. I'll share the score card with you all in a bit, if you are interested in seeing it. C and I came from WAY behind to win the Pitch game.
C and I were the "We" team and Hubby and M were the "They" team, as I was the one keeping score. We came back from quite the deficit! But win or lose, we all just love to play!
Back to the "off" now though. I know, no transition, but that's where my mind went, my fingers (and now your eyes) are following suit. Today, Hubby and I discussed the rearranging that is going to be happening very soon in our house. We were going to work on it today, but unfortunately, that did not happen. The soonest it can happen now is Friday. I work a half-day on Friday and then Hubby has an actual two-day weekend next weekend so we will have LOTS of time to get things rearranged this coming weekend. I still hope to get as much as possible done tonight though.
Yesterday, we got quite a bit of the housework done. Both bathrooms are clean, the living room is done, the family room and kitchen are much improved. All the rooms could still use a further cleaning job, but that will come soon. At this point, we wouldn't be (too) terribly embarrassed to have people come in if they were to stop over unannounced. There is still a lot of clutter in the family room and that will remain until we get some of the other work done. You know, Step 1 has to come before Step 2, which has to come before Step 3, etc. Well, the family room declutter is somewhere around Step 98 on a 100-Step list.
It also doesn't help matters that because the kids have been gone at my mother-in-law's house a lot lately and we now experiencing some discipline issues at home. It often happens that way. It's not that there is anything done or not done when they are at their grandparents. I think it is just a matter of kids who enjoy time at their grandparents' house and they push the limits when they get home. I think it's normal child behavior. But I don't know for sure. I remember doing it when I was a kid. Mind perfectly for my grandma when I was at her house and then when I got home, I remember acting up a lot. I don't remember why exactly, but I do remember doing it.
And I hate to admit it, but I have taken to scolding and raising my voice at the kids lately as well. I hate to raise my voice, and I hate to yell. I will do it, mind you, but I don't think it's teaching the kids the right message. Plus, it hurts my throat. I'm a very quiet individual by nature. I would prefer to simply talk with the kids. I'm more of a "Gentle Discipline" type of parent myself. But Hubby is not, and neither is my mom or his mom. Hubby, his mom and my mom all rule more by fear than by expecting true respect from the kids. I feel like I am often fighting an uphill battle in the parenting arena.
Boy C has also been highly reactive to something in his diet. I don't know for sure what it is, but it's happening again, and I feel like we are on a downhill slope to him getting very reactive soon. The more reactive he is, the harder the problem becomes to deal with. When I was at home with him full-time or nearly full-time, I was able to keep him virtually unreactive. But he has been reacting more and more lately. I don't know what to do about it, other than stay home. Everyone else who cares for him knows the do and don'ts of his food restrictions and everyone claims to follow them. But someone, somewhere along the line (and yes, it could even be me) is giving him something that he is reacting to, and a reactive tummy makes for a fussy toddler.
Mother-in-law is also wanting to have Boy C re-evaluated for Speech. He does have a deficit in that department, and in fact, that is where his biggest deficit is right now. He has been showing improvements, but mother-in-law does not feel it is enough of a change or a quick enough change and so she is going to try to pull some strings to get him re-evaluated. I don't mind. If she is able to get him re-evaluated, that is fine. I'm planning to wait until next week when I have a visit with our home-based teacher, JW, to see what she has to say about it. We spoke briefly before and she has some things to discuss with me anyhow, so we will see what happens with it.
I could go on and on about the things that feel "off" right now, but I have to stop. The kids are not wanting to go to bed for Hubby and he's losing his patience with them (and I am losing my patience with the kids and with Hubby - and really, it's just because I'm feeling like "my" time is being infringed upon.) I really need to work on that!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Struggling This Morning...
On a couple of blogs that I read on a regular basis, My Charming Kids and Kingdom Twindom, they have been discussing bold blogging. If you are curious about what bold blogging is, you can read about it here and here.
This morning I am really struggling with a number of issues. I know that I just need to pray about them and let them go, but I'm still at that point in time when I want to hang on to the issues and be miserable with them. You know the feeling?
For starters (and this one I have already pretty much let go of after prayer and an apology) but I made Hubby's morning rough. And I mean really really rough. I feeling upset and, well, bitter, about the other issues (which I will get to in a minute) and instead of helping him this morning and being kind to him and allowing for his day to start easy and calm, I did the exact opposite.
I woke him up, had HIM go downstairs to check and make sure his shirt for work today was dry. I had HIM find clothes for the older boys, I had HIM get the kids up and ready for school, I had HIM take them to school, and when he asked me if I would take them to school this morning, I balked at him, I complained and so HE ended up taking them to school. But I knew that my heart wasn't in the right spot this morning and that I was taking out my frustration out on him, even though it was caused by something else. So, I prayed, I made it right with God. I left my Hubby a sweet Facebook message on his wall so that he could read it when he gets the chance to get on the computer today:
" Love, I'm sorry if I made your morning more stressful. I honestly wasn't trying to make your morning more stressful. I was trying to make MY morning less stressful. I was being selfish in that regard and I'm sorry.
I hope your day is awesomely FABULOUS! (a smile there? just a bit of one?) and that you are able to get all of the program installations done before 11. I love you! Have a great day, okay? *smooches*"
He likes to tease me because I say the word "fabulous" more frequently than I realize. So that is the reason behind that word (and the extra comment) in my post on his wall.
Okay...deep breath...the part that I haven't let go of yet.
Yesterday, my mother-in-law was upset at me for not coming to pick the kids up right at 3:30. In all honesty, I had forgotten to tell her that my shift at work had changed from 7a-3p to 7a-7p, but I didn't end up working that long of a shift. So, I figured that I had time to head out to Hubby's work to help him with plans for their Grand Opening/Ribbon-Cutting Ceremony that is happening later today.
I had made arrangements with my mother-in-law for her to take the little kids today at 10am because I had planned on being at work at 11am. But then yesterday, she informed us that she has friends in town today and she wanted to go out to lunch with them and that she wouldn't be taking the kids today so that I could go to work because she would prefer to spend time with her friends.
I am looking at other childcare options because I need to have her be there when she has agreed to be there. And if she isn't, then I can't be where I need to be when I need to be there, and that would not work well for my job - or for any job.
I had also hoped to go out to Hubby's work today for at least part of the ribbon-cutting ceremony. It makes me very sad that I can't go. I had helped out a lot with much of the prep work for the Conference Center and now I don't get to be a part of the ceremony. :( Okay, and part of that is me wanting some small form of recognition for the work I did. But this is a reminder to be humble and to give without expectation. And that's what I did initially. I didn't expect anything in return, but then when I found out about the ceremony today, I just wanted to be a part of it - a part of it, which is different from being in it. I do not want to be IN the ceremony. Nuh uh - not at all! I want to be on the sidelines, watching it. And being able to be there and recognize Hubby and his co-workers for all the work that they did to get the Conference Center up and running.
So, anyhow, yeah, I'm needing to work on that - to pray about it, to give my childish emotions to my Father, because I don't like them. They don't feel very good. And I also need to not allow the whole childcare (or lack thereof) aspect bring me down, because it could very well be something that needs to happen for something in the future to change or happen or whatever. I don't know the plan and I don't want to know it...well, not all of it. Just the parts that pertain to me in the near future. :)
This morning I am really struggling with a number of issues. I know that I just need to pray about them and let them go, but I'm still at that point in time when I want to hang on to the issues and be miserable with them. You know the feeling?
For starters (and this one I have already pretty much let go of after prayer and an apology) but I made Hubby's morning rough. And I mean really really rough. I feeling upset and, well, bitter, about the other issues (which I will get to in a minute) and instead of helping him this morning and being kind to him and allowing for his day to start easy and calm, I did the exact opposite.
I woke him up, had HIM go downstairs to check and make sure his shirt for work today was dry. I had HIM find clothes for the older boys, I had HIM get the kids up and ready for school, I had HIM take them to school, and when he asked me if I would take them to school this morning, I balked at him, I complained and so HE ended up taking them to school. But I knew that my heart wasn't in the right spot this morning and that I was taking out my frustration out on him, even though it was caused by something else. So, I prayed, I made it right with God. I left my Hubby a sweet Facebook message on his wall so that he could read it when he gets the chance to get on the computer today:
" Love, I'm sorry if I made your morning more stressful. I honestly wasn't trying to make your morning more stressful. I was trying to make MY morning less stressful. I was being selfish in that regard and I'm sorry.
I hope your day is awesomely FABULOUS! (a smile there? just a bit of one?) and that you are able to get all of the program installations done before 11. I love you! Have a great day, okay? *smooches*"
He likes to tease me because I say the word "fabulous" more frequently than I realize. So that is the reason behind that word (and the extra comment) in my post on his wall.
Okay...deep breath...the part that I haven't let go of yet.
Yesterday, my mother-in-law was upset at me for not coming to pick the kids up right at 3:30. In all honesty, I had forgotten to tell her that my shift at work had changed from 7a-3p to 7a-7p, but I didn't end up working that long of a shift. So, I figured that I had time to head out to Hubby's work to help him with plans for their Grand Opening/Ribbon-Cutting Ceremony that is happening later today.
I had made arrangements with my mother-in-law for her to take the little kids today at 10am because I had planned on being at work at 11am. But then yesterday, she informed us that she has friends in town today and she wanted to go out to lunch with them and that she wouldn't be taking the kids today so that I could go to work because she would prefer to spend time with her friends.
I am looking at other childcare options because I need to have her be there when she has agreed to be there. And if she isn't, then I can't be where I need to be when I need to be there, and that would not work well for my job - or for any job.
I had also hoped to go out to Hubby's work today for at least part of the ribbon-cutting ceremony. It makes me very sad that I can't go. I had helped out a lot with much of the prep work for the Conference Center and now I don't get to be a part of the ceremony. :( Okay, and part of that is me wanting some small form of recognition for the work I did. But this is a reminder to be humble and to give without expectation. And that's what I did initially. I didn't expect anything in return, but then when I found out about the ceremony today, I just wanted to be a part of it - a part of it, which is different from being in it. I do not want to be IN the ceremony. Nuh uh - not at all! I want to be on the sidelines, watching it. And being able to be there and recognize Hubby and his co-workers for all the work that they did to get the Conference Center up and running.
So, anyhow, yeah, I'm needing to work on that - to pray about it, to give my childish emotions to my Father, because I don't like them. They don't feel very good. And I also need to not allow the whole childcare (or lack thereof) aspect bring me down, because it could very well be something that needs to happen for something in the future to change or happen or whatever. I don't know the plan and I don't want to know it...well, not all of it. Just the parts that pertain to me in the near future. :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Communication
Hubby and I just got done having a disagreement. We have discovered that since welcoming extra people into our home, our ability and willingness to communicate openly and honestly has been compromised. It was a slow progression, but it has happened. And, of course, to be able to come to this realization, we had to have a disagreement. It was a large one that encompassed many, many issues (all of which were valid and needed to be dealt with) but man! Talk about exhausting! Basically the format was something along the lines of blaming each other for this and for that and going back and forth through it and giving reasons (valid reasons on both sides) of why it was the other person's fault, etc. Not exactly productive in and of itself...but we have come to the conclusion that we need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what we each expect of each other, what we expect of ourselves and other various things like that. Right now, our house and everything that happens in it is kind of ... well, I guess for lack of a better term, it's like a free-for-all. Which doesn't work. For our marriage, for our parenting, for our house, for our home, for any of us. It just doesn't work. And if you are curious as to why I chose to write "for our house, for our home" it was because I meant two different things. This free-for-all doesn't work for our house as a structure, because the things that need to get done, just aren't getting done when or how they are supposed to. This free-for-all doesn't work for our home either, because our home is the environment that we make inside of our house. The love, the respect, the values, the sense of family, of togetherness...you know? And this hasn't been conducive to that either. So I think we will have be having a sit-down long discussion sometime in the very near future, in which we will come up with a temporary solution to the many issues that presented themselves tonight. Right now, there are so many things up in the air, it's hard to make a long-term solution for us because we know that very soon so many things will be changing. So if we can come up with a short-term solution to get us through this time until the things that are up in the air settle down a bit, everything will work better, flow easier, and will provide the atmosphere that we are longing for and needing to have.In case anyone is wondering, the things that are up in the air at the moment are: my mom's residence (waiting to see if she got this new place, getting her moved out of our home, etc), the kids' schedules with school and childcare, my mother-in-law's schedule for taking care of the kids (aka, she's our childcare provider), my (temporarily) inconsistent work schedule...I mean, there's a lot of things that we just need to wait for. We will know more about my mom's residence tomorrow. We already know about the kids' school schedules, but not the childcare schedule exactly, because of my fluctuating schedule. We will know more about my work schedule once a new assistant manager is named. If I am named the new assistant (which I'd say was about a 0.1% chance - but my boss told me to apply for it anyhow) I would be working 3-11 Wednesday through Sunday. Not my most ideal situation, but it could work. But once again, not a likely probability. Depending on who is named assistant manager, I may end up being able to get the hours I would prefer to have (Monday through Friday, 7 am - 3pm), but there's ZERO guarantee of that happening. Many, many possibilities. But for now, I'm working a mix of hours that can fluctuate between four to twelve hour shifts, and which can take place any day of the week from any time between 7 am and 11 pm. So yeah, lots of uncertainty.
One thing that would be wonderful if you'd be willing to pray for would be for Hubby and I to be able to effectively communicate with each other during this time. And also for our hearts and our minds to be softened towards each other. Sometimes when things are tough, we tend to harden our hearts and hold on to old habits, old hurts and old perceptions. Which not only does not help in the here and now, but it really hinders progress as well. We could both use your prayers in that respect.
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