Not One of My Finer Moments

My child, he's awesome. And I mean, like really really awesome. Like other parents would be jealous if they knew how awesome this child is. And I just destroyed his feelings without abandon. I was a total jerk to my awesome kid. And I did it out of complete selfishness. I wanted to do something and he wanted to do something, but we both could not do it at the same time. I pulled rank on him and then when he had a typical childish reaction to it, I compared him to someone that I shouldn't have. And I destroyed his feelings. Wow. That sucks. For both of us.

Boy A has been incredibly helpful, kind and selfless the last couple of days. He selflessly cleaned my bedroom. I didn't ask him to do it, in fact, I'd prefer that he not do it, but he chose to do it because he saw a problem (a huge mess in my own personal space that I am responsible for) and he chose to fix it for me. Without question, without expectation, he did it.

Then today, we were going to take he and Boy B to a basketball game. They were both really excited about it. Boy A even chose to bring along a book to read because he knew that the game gets long for him to sit though. He was responsible, made a good choice, planned ahead, all those things we have been stressing to him.

The wait to get into the game was LONG, and Hubby got tired of waiting, so we went out to lunch instead, which was nice. We had the waiters sing "Happy Birthday" to Boy A and he got a sundae, which he thought was pretty cool.

After lunch, we came home and I took my mom and Boy B back to my mom's place and Hubby and Boy A were on the computer while I was gone. When I got home, I got on the computer to read a couple of blog entries, hoping to write a couple of entries myself, and to watch two shows that I haven't had a chance to view yet. We have televisions in our house, but since we don't have cable, we have four channels, which we don't watch anyhow. Any and all of our television viewing happens online. Mostly our televisions are used for the kids' movies or sometimes a video game.

Anyhow, every two minutes tops, Boy A would come up to me and ask me if I was done yet. After about an hour of this, I was tired of hearing it. Not to say that my reaction was the right one - because it wasn't - but it was my justification for my reaction at the time that it happened.

The first thing that I tried was to let him know that no, I was not done yet, because I had just gotten on. The second thing that I tried was to explain to him that I would let him know when I was done. The third thing that I tried was to explain to him that since the two little ones were napping, and since Boy B was gone, it was a nice, quiet time that I could use to work on things that I wanted to do. I also explained to him that he had already had a chance on the computer and that it was my turn. Then he asked AGAIN. At which point, I was really not happy. I scolded him (probably with more volume and more gusto than necessary - well, not probably - definitely with more of both than necessary) and told him that I got to use the computer because it was MY computer, that I paid for it, that I continue to pay for it by paying for the internet service that we use. And since I have paid for all of that and still do pay for it, I should be able to use it when I want to. Not at all meaning that he had to pay for his ability to use it, just expressing the idea that if I have worked hard to pay for something, I would like to be able to use it as well, right?

He went upstairs and got his bank, and brought it to me. He was crying. He asked if he gave me all of his money if I would let him on to play his game. I got more upset. I told him that he didn't need to pay for it, that I just wanted to be able to use my own computer. I also told him that if he was going to cry over not being able to use the computer that he probably did not need to use the computer in the first place. And I compared him to one of Hubby's friends who is obsessed with gaming - in a very serious, life-limiting way.

He ended up going up and hanging out with Hubby. The two of them had some awesome father/son time playing a game together. And I got to watch my show in peace. But you know what? It wasn't worth it. Watching my show in peace and being able to be on the computer was not worth upsetting my son. It was not worth making him feel insignificant. It was not worth any of it.

When my show was over and he and his dad were done with their game, Boy A came back down to the computer. I was signing out of my stuff. He peeked at the computer. "I'm logging off right now, Buddy." I told him. His reply was, "I wasn't going to ask, Mom. I was just seeing what you were doing." Wow. This kid amazes me. When he acts like a mature young man, it catches me off guard when he acts like, well, a kid. He's nine. He is a kid. Sometimes I just expect too much. Sometimes I expect him to understand things that he shouldn't have to. Sometimes I expect him to be patient and selfless. Sometimes I expect all of that, so that I can be selfish and that isn't right. I learned a lesson tonight. Thank you, Boy A. And once again, I'm sorry. I love you.

*side note* Boy A did get on the computer and had some fun time to play. We also had time to sit and talk and I gave him lots and lots of praise for the things he has done the last couple of days that I am so happy and proud of him for doing. I also let him know that I was wrong. I let him know that we all make mistakes, even grown-ups, even parents, but when we do, the best thing is to admit when we were wrong, ask forgiveness, move on, and try to learn from the mistake by trying not to do it again.

This looked like fun

Weekly Accountability Post 3

January - Week Three

Changing things up a little bit here. I had been commenting on each "story" as I read it, but I don't know that it was really doing much other than maybe proving that I actually did read it. Unless someone wants to hear my thoughts on each individual story, I think I will just start keeping track of my reading.

1/17
Hagar and Ishmael ... (Genesis 16:1-16:16) Read.
Daily Prayer Time Done.
Dishes done Done.

1/18
The Covenant of Circumcision ... (Genesis 17:1-17:27) Read.
Daily Prayer Time Done.
Dishes done Done.

1/19
The Three Visitors ... (Genesis 18:1-18:15) Read on 1/22.
Daily Prayer Time Done.
Dishes done Not done.

1/20
Abraham Pleads for Sodom ... (Genesis 18:16-18:33) Read on 1/22.
Daily Prayer Time Honestly not sure.
Dishes done Not done.

1/21
Sodom and Gomorrah Destroyed ... (Genesis 19:1-19:29) Read on 1/22.
Daily Prayer Time Done.
Dishes done Some of them done. At least I attempted to work on it, right?

1/22
Lot and His Daughters ... (Genesis 19:30-19:38) Done along with the previous days' reading.
Daily Prayer Time Done.
Dishes done Done.

1/23
Abraham and Abimelech ... (Genesis 20:1-20:18) Done.
Daily Prayer Time Done.
Dishes done Done.

Finish It Friday

Well today was a rather odd day to begin with. I ran over to a friend's work to pick him up and take him back to his place and then went into work myself. I was late to work, but it wasn't a big deal at all. My boss is pretty lax like that where I am concerned. I don't know that he's that lax with everyone, but I don't know. Worked a few hours, then it was time to go get the kids from my mother-in-law's house.

Picked them up, came home, put Boy C down for a nap, as he was falling asleep in the car on the way home. Of course, the fact that Girlie was asking me to sing song after song on the way home may have had something to do with it.

Hubby was already home from work, so he got the boy into bed and was playing on the computer, so I asked him if I could lay down and take a nap until the older boys got home from school. He said that was fine, then he let me sleep until 6pm! Talk about a nap! Four hours! I needed it though. I didn't sleep well last night, Boy C didn't sleep well last night, Girlie didn't sleep well last night...it was just a rough night in general.

So, Hubby woke me up at 6pm, and I rushed out the door to go pick the friend up again to take him to work for the night, stopped by Target on the way home to pick up a mousepad for Hubby and some Take-N-Toss straw cups for Boy C and Girlie. Boy C just learned how to drink from a straw last week. It was really exciting and we are so proud of him! It took him a LONG time to get the hang of it (like, 18 months or so) but now he is a straw master...minus the whole part of tipping the cup when the drink is almost gone instead of repositioning the straw. But hey, that will come with time, ya know?

So, on to the tackle for today...I posted on Katie's blog that I was planning on finishing the kitchen. I did a lot of work in the kitchen yesterday and it is close to being cleaned up. The drawers and cupboards all need a good solid, decluttering and reorganizing but that's not what I need to finish up. I just need to finish up cleaning the parts that you can see when you are just standing in the kitchen looking around. I may do the open shelving in the kitchen, but I'm not sure yet. I will take before and after pictures of the reorganizing project once I get started on it, because it is going to be a massive change and I am really excited about it. Not to mention that I plan on putting the picture of what the cupboard is supposed to look like on the inside of the cupboard once the job is finished - that way it will be easier for other people to put things away. At least, I hope it will be. Will have to see how that goes though. So tonight's project is to finish up the kitchen! (And to finally email Katie!)

Curve Ball!

Well, Hubby has surprised me this week. In a really big, major way. He said that after school is let out for the summer this year, he wants to homeschool. Just out of the blue. Well, it seems to be out of the blue. It's something that he has been stewing over and thinking about and evaluating without my knowledge of him doing so.

You see, we had originally planned to homeschool our kiddos. It was our plan all along. Even as we sent Boy A off to Preschool and Academy when he was three and four years old, our plan was to homeschool him and his younger sibling(s). I put the "s" in parenthesis because at the time he only had one sibling, but we were planning and hoping for more. We planned on homeschooling him right up until the week prior to the school year starting back in 2006. That week, we decided to enroll him.

Our home life was going through a lot of turmoil at that time, I had a new baby to take care of, Hubby and I were at the ending point of our marriage. There was a lot of grief in our lives at that time, and Hubby and I were separated. He felt that it was best to enroll Boy A in school so that he had some stability in his life, since our home life was so full of havoc at that time. So I did.

Schooling Boy A hasn't been the most beneficial thing for him, but we stuck it out. Mainly because I was following Hubby's lead in this decision, while still working with Boy A (then Boy B, and now Girlie and Boy C as well) at home. I have very strong opinions and reasons for wanting to homeschool, but that's not what this post is about, so I'll leave those out of this for now.

For the last three and a half years, we have broached the subject of homeschooling the kids probably twice a year or so. Usually, I am the one who approaches Hubby with this topic. This time, he approached me. There was no tentativeness in his conversation about the subject. It was pretty direct and straightforward. "I think when the school year is done, we should start homeschooling instead." Simple, quick, point blank. No question about it, just a statement.

One sentence that completely floored me. I've been wanting to do this, I've been praying about doing this, I cannot even express what this means to me, it is so important. He wants us to homeschool. And by us, I mean me. He wants me to homeschool our kids. At last!

Of course, at this point in our lives, there's a lot to think about and to put into perspective. For one, we really need both of our incomes. Second, our main childcare option is not someone who would be supportive of this decision. Third, well...I guess really there are only two major obstacles to overcome, but we have awhile to do it.

We also were discussing briefly what kind of homeschooling to do. Another flooring surprise from Hubby: "Boy A really likes to do his own research projects and to just learn on his own. I think allowing him to do that would really help matters." What he just described there was child-led unschooling. Letting the boy learn what he wants to know about when he wants to know about it. Hubby did say later on, though, that he thinks it would be good to have a curriculum for homeschooling, as a back-up plan to unschooling. He said that there is a lot he wants to explore before making this decision. I just could not believe my ears. He is really thinking about this.

I don't know if we will end up homeschooling the kiddos. Girlie will attend Academy next year regardless of what happens with the homeschooling aspect, and Boy C will still have his home-based public school teacher once a week, most likely along with other therapies at that point. But Boys A and B? They may very well be homeschooled next year. I'm being patient with this. I don't want to get overly excited or to plan on this happening 100%, because as I said, there are a few obstacles that we will need to work through first before this could become an actuality. But I just wanted to share this with you all, because it is something that I am incredibly excited about. Even if we don't do it, just knowing that Hubby has been reconsidering it and is willing to look into the options more thoroughly is just exciting and wonderful!

Time For Me Thursday

The week is almost over and all is well in the household. Although, I have to admit that I had a bit of a scare at work yesterday. I think it scared my manager, B, more than it scared me. Mainly because I'm somewhat used to it happening.

You see, yesterday while I was at work, I had a more severe case of arrhythmia. One moment I was standing by the cash register, talking...the next I was at the back of our work area, gasping for breath. I have had heart problems from the time I was really little. When I was an infant/small child, I was told that I had a heart murmur. In later childhood, I was told that I had outgrown it. Then when I was starting my adolescent years, I started to have problems with heart palpitations and skipped beats, among other things.

I was monitored about every six to twelve months for this and the pediatric cardiologist that I saw said that my problems were not severe enough to do anything about. She said that it was just an annoying inconvenience that I would have to deal with. So I have for about 15 years now.

Yesterday though, it was really kind of scary. I don't remember much of yesterday. Much of the memories are clouded and jumbled. I couldn't tell a person in which order the events happened, but what I do remember about it was that I had the arrhythmia episode, then I was standing back by the cigarettes, holding my chest and trying to catch my breath. My head was spinning and B was standing near me, asking me repeatedly if I was okay, if I needed anything, if I wanted him to call an ambulance.

I know at some point, I ended up in his office, in his big desk chair, with my feet propped up on the shelving unit. He was typing an email about having an employee transferred over from another store. There was something about score cards (our company's discount program) and at one point, I know I was back up front, leaning on the counter, trying to convince myself and everyone else that I was okay. B was patting my back. It was so comforting. It was really nice.

I don't remember coming home, although Hubby had dropped me off at work, so I'm sure he picked me up as well. But the second to next thing I remember is waking up at one o'clock this afternoon.

In retrospect, maybe I should have allowed B to have me taken in to the hospital, but I didn't. I don't much like doctor visits. I used to love them when I was a kid, but as an adult, meh, not so much. If I can avoid a doctor/hospital visit, I'm all about that.

Hubby's paycheck came today - a day before he is supposed to be paid - and two days before he normally gets paid. His payday is a Friday, but the checks usually get mailed on Friday, so he gets it on Saturday. The last couple of times though, he's gotten his Friday paycheck on Thursday. I'm not complaining, let me assure you! I like it quite a bit.

So, we ended up buying some groceries today, as well as some much needed pants for Boy A. Poor Boy A - he gets clothing as a (late) birthday present. But he is the child that doesn't get hand-me-downs, so the new clothing that he does get, often ends up being tied to a holiday, like his birthday or Christmas.

But I found him three pairs of nice looking, new cargo pants at Wal*Mart today. I have a real love/hate relationship with that store, but today its more on the love side of it. They had the pants that I needed, at a price I was willing to pay. Gotta love that. Somehow, somewhere, Boy A ended up needing a Husky waist in jeans. So that's what I found. Size 10 Husky. Fabulous! :)

And tonight for dinner, I made one of our favorite dishes...barbecued chicken and pineapple (on skewers). It's so much fun! Something about skewers makes mealtime so much fun, so I use those on days that the kids and I need a bit of perk.

Boy B was extra helpful today. When we got home, I had some dishes to do (I don't think I ate dinner yesterday, but the rest of the family did - and there were leftover dishes from that still around the kitchen, plus various dishes here and there throughout the house) so I got started on that right away. Boy B just came right up and volunteered to give me a hand.

He cracks me up. Where Boy A is 9 and wears a 10 Husky in jeans, Boy B is skinny. His waist only varies a tiny bit from that of his 3 year old sister and 2 year old brother. So, he wears a size 6 or 7 in jeans, because they have to be long enough, but today, he wasn't wearing a belt, so once he took off his shirt to help me with dishes (somehow, the kids all get wet when they help dishes, so they have learned to remove their shirts beforehand), you could see that his pants were sagging. There was probably a good two inches worth of underwear visible. It was so funny! I mentioned it to Hubby, saying that Boy B could be in high school the way that he was dressed at that point, based on the kids I see come in on school days.

It was a totally unfair generalized comment about a particular age group, but I see high school kids on a daily basis, and most of the kids that I see where exactly that. Pants that are sagging in such a way that I can see 2-6 inches of their underwear or boxers. I don't get it. I can't imagine that it would be comfortable, but maybe it is. Maybe it's an acquired taste for comfort, I don't know. Nor do I want to find out. And I think my kids will thank me for that.

All in all, we had a good, fun, and productive day today, even with me sleeping in until one o'clock. Craziness!

And tomorrow, when I get off of work at 11am, I will have the next five and a half days off from work and I will be working on things around the house in a major way. We have a lot going on and I seem to be adding more to the list without realizing it. I have high hopes and aspirations for the coming week. We'll have to see how it all goes.

Oh - and in case you didn't catch it...the thing I did for myself today was sleeping in. I needed it in a major way (and I'm not sure that it could have been avoided even if I had wanted.)

A Bit Off...

I am feeling a bit off today. I think it has to do with the fact that tomorrow is Boy A's 9th birthday and we will not hardly see him at all that day, due to our work schedules. The kiddos will be heading over to my mother-in-law's house around 6:30 in the morning and they won't be home again until 5:30 on Wednesday. That's a LONG time!

I'm also feeling a bit off because although we got a lot of housework done yesterday, there still remains a fair amount to do and tensions are high. Hubby is not as supportive of my blogging as he once was, because it takes too much time. He says that it is a bit hypocritical of me to have a blog called "Organizing Amid the Chaos" when I am not doing any organizing or "lifting a finger around the house." I do see where he's coming from. He sees this blog, knows the blog title, and assumes that because I have a blog entitled "Organizing Amid the Chaos" that the house will suddenly and miraculously be completely cleaned and organized. Okay, I guess that I threw some sarcasm in there as well. I almost edited it out and rewrote it, but decided not to. That is my true reaction to it, but I do see where he is coming from, even if my reaction is not the one of love and acceptance that I wish came so readily to me.

I do feel like he expects it all to just happen quickly and easily - even if I am not home to do it. Even if I am working and volunteering many hours. I know what needs to be done. I know that I have not put as much time and effort into it as I am able. I do, selfishly, enjoy time to relax after work as well as other priorities. No, I'm not perfect, and I don't claim to be. I do want to get stuff done around the house, but I do not want to do it in lieu of time to relax, to be with the kids, to have time with Hubby, to work...I don't want to spend my days as a slave to the house, to Hubby, to the kids, to work. It's a matter of balancing it all. And lately, the balance has been uneven. Work and volunteering has been taking up the largest chunk of my time, followed by time with Hubby, time with the kids, relaxing and then cleaning has gotten short-changed lately.

Saturday and Sunday, I was so stiff and sore from working such long hours, that I could barely move. Sunday was a bit of an improvement over Saturday though, because I was more able to move and I didn't have to work as long of a shift. We were even able to spend some time with family friends, C and M, to celebrate Boy A's birthday a little bit early, and to also have some time playing cards with them. C and I won the game by the way. I'll share the score card with you all in a bit, if you are interested in seeing it. C and I came from WAY behind to win the Pitch game.



C and I were the "We" team and Hubby and M were the "They" team, as I was the one keeping score. We came back from quite the deficit! But win or lose, we all just love to play!

Back to the "off" now though. I know, no transition, but that's where my mind went, my fingers (and now your eyes) are following suit. Today, Hubby and I discussed the rearranging that is going to be happening very soon in our house. We were going to work on it today, but unfortunately, that did not happen. The soonest it can happen now is Friday. I work a half-day on Friday and then Hubby has an actual two-day weekend next weekend so we will have LOTS of time to get things rearranged this coming weekend. I still hope to get as much as possible done tonight though.

Yesterday, we got quite a bit of the housework done. Both bathrooms are clean, the living room is done, the family room and kitchen are much improved. All the rooms could still use a further cleaning job, but that will come soon. At this point, we wouldn't be (too) terribly embarrassed to have people come in if they were to stop over unannounced. There is still a lot of clutter in the family room and that will remain until we get some of the other work done. You know, Step 1 has to come before Step 2, which has to come before Step 3, etc. Well, the family room declutter is somewhere around Step 98 on a 100-Step list.

It also doesn't help matters that because the kids have been gone at my mother-in-law's house a lot lately and we now experiencing some discipline issues at home. It often happens that way. It's not that there is anything done or not done when they are at their grandparents. I think it is just a matter of kids who enjoy time at their grandparents' house and they push the limits when they get home. I think it's normal child behavior. But I don't know for sure. I remember doing it when I was a kid. Mind perfectly for my grandma when I was at her house and then when I got home, I remember acting up a lot. I don't remember why exactly, but I do remember doing it.

And I hate to admit it, but I have taken to scolding and raising my voice at the kids lately as well. I hate to raise my voice, and I hate to yell. I will do it, mind you, but I don't think it's teaching the kids the right message. Plus, it hurts my throat. I'm a very quiet individual by nature. I would prefer to simply talk with the kids. I'm more of a "Gentle Discipline" type of parent myself. But Hubby is not, and neither is my mom or his mom. Hubby, his mom and my mom all rule more by fear than by expecting true respect from the kids. I feel like I am often fighting an uphill battle in the parenting arena.

Boy C has also been highly reactive to something in his diet. I don't know for sure what it is, but it's happening again, and I feel like we are on a downhill slope to him getting very reactive soon. The more reactive he is, the harder the problem becomes to deal with. When I was at home with him full-time or nearly full-time, I was able to keep him virtually unreactive. But he has been reacting more and more lately. I don't know what to do about it, other than stay home. Everyone else who cares for him knows the do and don'ts of his food restrictions and everyone claims to follow them. But someone, somewhere along the line (and yes, it could even be me) is giving him something that he is reacting to, and a reactive tummy makes for a fussy toddler.

Mother-in-law is also wanting to have Boy C re-evaluated for Speech. He does have a deficit in that department, and in fact, that is where his biggest deficit is right now. He has been showing improvements, but mother-in-law does not feel it is enough of a change or a quick enough change and so she is going to try to pull some strings to get him re-evaluated. I don't mind. If she is able to get him re-evaluated, that is fine. I'm planning to wait until next week when I have a visit with our home-based teacher, JW, to see what she has to say about it. We spoke briefly before and she has some things to discuss with me anyhow, so we will see what happens with it.

I could go on and on about the things that feel "off" right now, but I have to stop. The kids are not wanting to go to bed for Hubby and he's losing his patience with them (and I am losing my patience with the kids and with Hubby - and really, it's just because I'm feeling like "my" time is being infringed upon.) I really need to work on that!