Saturday, February 13, 2010

Blah, worries and vents...

I updated my Facebook status earlier this week saying: "Deanne is feeling very down today. It's been quite the week and tensions have been high. Take a moment, breathe and relax. Repeat as often as necessary." and it's true. Things are really tense. Not between the Hubby and myself, well maybe some...or actually maybe quite a bit to be honest. But that's not the biggest part of it all - it's really a sum of many different things.

The first thing and probably the biggest thing is that Hubby has lost his job. According to the lady (who wasn't actually his boss but yet was the one who fired him) he wasn't meeting expectations. Which, quite frankly, is near impossible with his job situation as it was. Basically, he had two bosses - DV and AM. AM is the person who facilitated the grant that paid Hubby. He was working for a non-profit organization and pretty much all of the employees are paid for by grants from one place or another. The person in the non-profit who actually received the grant on behalf of the non-profit is DV, who was technically Hubby's supervisor. So, he had a boss and a supervisor. And he had expectations from each of them. Then there is the lady who fired Hubby. She isn't his boss, but she is the boss of DV, so DV kind of needed to go along with what DD wanted or she could be in trouble as well. It's really complicated and messy. But basically, DD also had another set of expectations for Hubby as well. One of which was for him to work 60+ hour weeks on salary pay - even though he is only REQUIRED to work 42ish hour weeks, per AM. But even apart from that - DD also rarely spent any time with Hubby actually knowing what was going on, yet felt like she had enough knowledge of what was happening or wasn't happening to make a decision on his employment status. But that isn't even all of it yet. Enter into the picture the founder of the non-profit, BB. BB is the founder, yet she is the assistant to DD as far as daily operations go. Kind of weird? And BB kept throwing additional responsibilities at Hubby too. To the point where there is a running joke of "this is your new first priority" because she is known to say that four or five times within one conversation. I like this lady a lot but I think she expected too much. And to add to matters, DD and BB rarely agree on subjects. It was an insanely difficult situation for Hubby, but he did really well with it. He tried to fulfill everyone's expectations and in the end, the only person he was not able to please was DD.

But anyhow, this whole thing has put a lot of stress on us - while he was going through it (and while I was too - as I often would go out to his work and give him a hand to help ease some of the workload - and it worked well for the non-profit as well - to have another "community volunteer") and in a way, it's a blessing that it's over. Because it was hard - incredibly hard and difficult. But now, even though the day-to-day stress of that job is over, so is the income that the job provided. And that is also hard.

I am working full-time. I work two 8-hour days and two 10-hour days. And then I have a three day weekend. I really like having a three day weekend, but I'm thinking that I might need to go ahead and buckle down and work five days a week instead of four - for a running total of 44 hours a week. That's what I am doing this week. And even if I do that on a regular basis - it still won't be enough since I only make minimum wage. So there is stress there too.

Another item is that with my increased workload, I am home less. One big thing was for me to be working while the kids were in school, so that I could be home and taking care of them to get them back into obedience again. The more that I work and the less that I am home during their non-school hours, the more disobedient they have been. But at the same time, my manager's rule is that except for himself - no employee can have a full 40 hour work week unless they work weekends. Hence my regular schedule of 36 hours a week - over four days. I told my manager that I'd rather work 36 hours and have a three day weekend, than to 40 hours and have to lose a weekend day. I have four kids and a husband. I am the only employee at my work who is married - and only one of two that has at least one kid. I made the sacrifice of 4 hours in order to be here with the kids. I made the sacrifice of working longer days in order to get as close as possible to working 40 hours. But I made these arrangements when Hubby was still working. And now, he's not. I could talk to my manager about taking on the weekend overnight hours - something that I really don't want to do because it would really mess with my schedule and since I was hospitalized in the last year and since I know that I am susceptible to depression, I really don't want to do that.

So, I'm struggling to find balance right now. Work, kids, volunteering, home, finances, relationships... Admittedly, these stresses have put some tension between Hubby and I - or at least we have allowed it to put some tension between us. Because truly we have. I have been exhausted. Plus we have had sick kids, Hubby and I were both sick the week prior to that and it's just been a lot to handle and deal with.

I've also been dealing with a lot of temptation lately to do things that I know I don't really want to do - things that would make me happy in the very immediate time, but would be devastating in the long run. I try to remain focused on the big picture, but sometimes the here and now is pretty appealing, you know? And I share this on here because if I talk about it, I'm less likely to do something that I know I shouldn't do. And no, it's not anything illegal or would be damaging to my marriage or to my family, but it's something that still just wouldn't be good.

I'm really trying hard to get this all straightened out in my head and in my heart. I'm having more difficulty figuring out what I can do to make things better - to make them right. And I know that it's not all on me - but I have a hard time giving up the control too - and I think part of that comes from the unstable life I grew up in. I learned early on through my own life experiences the old adage, "If you want anything done right, you have to do it yourself" and while I know that is not true - and that I do need to lean on others more (specifically God and Hubby) it's also very hard to let go of that. So I'm working on that.