Friday, March 5, 2010

Once again, I am feeling very conflicted. There is a lot of conflicting emotions and turmoil going on inside me right now and I just want to run away. I want to run off and start fresh. I'm threatened and I feel scared. I'm not even sure what to do.

I'm trying hard not to internalize these issues. I'm trying hard not to keep them, but I am recognizing that it's what I'm feeling like doing. I'm trying to put on a brave face for those in my life. I don't want them to know the fear that I'm feeling. I don't even want Hubby to know it. I want to be strong and to take care of things. I want to fix the things that are wrong.

But I can't. Or at least, I can't do it alone. I need to talk to Hubby, to turn to him for support and help. And to do it without blaming him.

I'm angry as well. Anger is a choice and it's a secondary emotion to the other things that I'm feeling - threatened, scared, etc. But yes, I am choosing to be angry. Maybe even hostile. I haven't decided if I am going to go that far just yet. But I'm getting there.

I feel like a choice that we want to make, for our family, is being condemned. I feel as though I have been...persecuted isn't quite the right word, but it's in the same category. Maybe it is the term that I'm looking for. I don't know. And I don't know who I can trust anymore. There were many people that I thought I could trust and that I want to trust and I don't know. I don't know who I can and cannot trust right now.

I love my kids, I love my Hubby, I want to do the best things for all of us. Right now, though, not only do I not know what that is, but I also do not know how to do it. Every choice I make or think about making, conflicts with what I want or need to happen. I am just so completely confused.


  1. Deanne, I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I could help! What I do know is that as mommies we know what's best for our families. I know you will make the right decision, whatever it is.

  2. Thanks Devon! It's hard when your values and beliefs conflict so strongly with your friends and family. But I'm doing much better now. Thanks for the words of encouragement!

  3. Deanne, LIfe can throw some curve balls. If you know the Lord, he can be a source of strength during times of uncertainty. When I am afraid, I will trust in thee.. Sweet kids, by the way.