Thursday, March 4, 2010
My nine year old understands a number of abstract concepts. There was one this morning that he didn't understand and it's hard to write about but I feel it is necessary to do so at the same time. Not sure why, but I feel like it's important for me to just get it written down.
This morning upon waking up, NattyNu told me that he wanted money for the book fair at school today. That today was the last day to buy books at the book fair. And he really wanted a new book. I explained to him that I didn't know about the bookfair and that I don't have any money until next Thursday when I get paid. He had also been at his grandma's house earlier this week and could have asked her to buy him the book. She is the one that buys most of his books, because while we have money for our basic needs, with Hubby's recent job loss, even taking care of our basic needs has been put into jeopardy. But I did not tell him that part. I just said that I didn't have money for books right now.
He was understandably upset. He said that he doesn't understand why there even is such a thing as money. That whoever invented money just wanted to make people die. Because if you don't have money, then you can't have a place to live and that if you don't have a place to live, well, then you die. That was his reasoning. And it broke my heart.
But what I said to him was that we have money for that stuff. We have money to take care of the things that we NEED. We just don't have money right now for extras. That he doesn't need to worry about not having the things we need, because we had money for that stuff and we will continue to have money for that stuff in the future as well. Just not extra money for extra things this week.
I am concerned that NattyNu is stressing out over this. I mean, I think it's important for kids to realize that just because they want something doesn't mean that they will get it. But I also wonder where the concern for basic needs is coming from. I have a feeling, based on experience, that a certain family member is saying things to him that a kid shouldn't have to worry about. And my heart is very conflicted about that. Because to avoid this situation, I would have to keep him away from this person, which means that I would not be able to work, which would mean that we wouldn't be able to pay our bills and take care of our basic needs, you know? Yet, if I work and continue to have NattyNu around this family member, then he will continue to hear these negative things that he doesn't need to hear about, or focus on. So, there is much conflict within my heart right now.
There is also another issue in regards to work for me and school for the kids. With JoNo's health recently, I don't know that he is really getting much out of his public school education. And with my working during the school hours, it would be very difficult for me to homeschool him full-time. At the same time, it's difficult for me to work evenings because that is also when JoNo's health issues tend to flare up the most, and same thing with overnights. I'm afraid that with the amount of work that I have had to miss due to his health, that I will end up putting my job in jeopardy. My boss says that my job status is just fine but I do know that one of the assistant managers is very grumbly about me missing days when JoNo is really bad.
So, I have a lot of stuff to try to sort through and figure out in regards to all of that. I'm finding it very hard to balance being a mom to a chronically ill child, a special needs child and two other children, plus a wife, a homemaker, and an employee. Plus my mom expects me to be ready and available to help her on a moment's notice. It does not work well at all. I have gotten better about telling her no, that I cannot do this or that, to the point that I am saying no more than I am saying yes - and I am only saying yes when I actually can and it doesn't hurt my family.
Another thing that I am feeling challenged and stretched in regards to is the housework. I am trying very hard to get things done around the house and to keep the house up, but I feel right now like I am fighting a losing battle - against my family. And I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. And I'm crabby and hormonal as well. I want to go back to bed for another hour or so and let Hubby be up and in charge of the work and the kids, but at the same time, I'm sure that would actually produce the exact opposite effect in the long run.
I'm not sure how to keep going on at this point, but I'm also not sure that I can take a break and get some relief either. I will tell you later how it goes...