Thursday, March 4, 2010
As I was driving today to drop Punky off at preschool (after her changing three times to get the "right" outfit for school today) I was thinking to myself about all of the stressful things going on in my life right now. Although, really it's the stressful things that are going on in all of our lives right now, but the way I was thinking about it, was the selfish "in my life" way.
And then something hit me. When things get stressful, I withdraw from Hubby, from the kids even, from everybody. I try to figure out how to fix it and make it better. And if I am going to be completely honest, I would have to say that I even withdraw from God. I don't pass my burdens off. I take them, I keep them, I internalize them and I try to solve them. Granted, there are some things that I can solve but I don't need to keep the problems and internalize them. I should be coming to God and to Hubby with these issues (even though Hubby already knows what the issues are) and discuss these problems in my life and in my family's life with both of them.
But I don't. My first initial reaction is to, as I said, keep it. I own it. And then when things end up negatively, I am upset for not having help in one aspect or another. It's a very confusing place to be in and I'm sure from Hubby's perspective, it's even more confusing!
I think I do this because of the way I learned to do things growing up. I learned VERY early on in life to depend on no one but myself. I was the only one that I could depend on and if I couldn't depend on myself, then there was no one else that I could depend on either. And while I do see some validity in that thought process even still, I know that there is more error to it than anything else. You know why? Because I am human. There, I said it. I am only human. I make mistakes, I fail, I don't follow through. And there are times when I am undependable - even to myself. The only person that I can really and truly depend on 100% of the time is God. Need to keep that one in perspective, for sure.
But anyhow, I just came to this realization today and I thought that I would share it with you. And now I am curious - do you do this too? If so, why? How does that work out for you and your husband or family? I suggest that you make a commitment to change that. Learn to change your initial reaction. I think we usually are able to recognize our initial reactions once we realize what they are. And realization and recognition are the first steps to changing a behavior.
I need to take some time today to sit down with Hubby and really discuss all of this. And to apologize to him for pulling away from him and let him know that I will be working on it in the future. And I think I also need to work on how I approach Hubby with these kinds of issues as well. Because I don't think I do such a great job a lot of the time. Which is also probably a contributing factor into not turning to him with tough issues. I have a lot to work on already and I haven't even talked to him yet. Wish me luck! And good luck to you too!